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Friday, February 25, 2011

Growing Old Gracefully Shouldn't Require A Bedpan

But it should require a hot young nurse to take care of me through the aging process. As I am now in my 30's, I am finding my body doesn't work the way it used to. I remember partying until 4 AM and going to work at 7. Now my body wants me in bed by 9.
This thought used to terrify me, but now I'm thinking maybe it's not so bad.
Like having a sponge bath! I could definitely enjoy getting those daily. We can have our nurse set up a schedule for when we get them.
And when you screw up, you can pretend that you don't know where you are! I knew a lady that drove her car through a coffee shop, and she went from being the meanest lady I knew to this sweet, lost lady...once the cops showed up. I tried that once during a traffic stop, and they gave me a DUI test.
You could also be allowed to ramble on and on about stuff that sounds really inappropriate and people would be expected to listen to you. I think I'll talk about the day I got crabs from the beach.
Another benefit, you can drive as slow as you want. Imagine being on an interstate and forcing hundreds of people to drive 45 mph. I'd call that a weekend excursion!
You can eat all of your food like it was a smoothie! The aforementioned nurse can blend everything up for you so that you can forgo things like chewing.
You can randomly yell at children in your neighborhood. You can say things like "Get off my yard" to kids across the street. People will just think your cantankerous.
You can wear diapers again. I used to be able to sleep through the night without going to the bathroom, but now I get up at least once. This way I could just sleep through the night again, and my nurse would change me in the morning.
Your employment status can be "retired". I decided once at 17 that was a great employment status so I went to the Social Security office. They asked me to leave after I told them I felt I had contributed enough.
You can complain that everything is worse now than back in "the good old days". You can make claims like a gallon of milk only cost a nickel when you were growing up, even if it really cost a buck ninety five. After all, you're the elder, who is going to argue with you?
You can judge other peoples lives and claim if only you had listened to me, you wouldn't be in this mess. Like when I ended up in a Mexican prison, my grand parents told me that sneaking white people into Mexico to take jobs was a bad idea and I should have known better!
You can buy everything in bulk and no one asks why. They just assume your preparing for the Apocalypse or for the return of ET or Cocoon. Maybe I just want 43 cans of sweet peas.
So after writing this, I've decided I want to live my Golden Years now, while I'm young enough to enjoy them.


  1. shouldn't this be considered as growing old disgracefully :)

  2. I remember seeing Diane Von Furstenberg in an interview and a viewer had emailed in a question to her asking, "What should a woman not wear after her 30s?" Iman, who was also on the show questioningly answered, "A miniskirt?" while DVF stated "Diapers."

    For a woman who is choosing to age outrageously (not gracefully), that is the perfect answer! So go ahead and buy in bulk and hopefully it will never be a bulk sized box of Depends!

  3. An interesting but totally appropriate answer. Im curious now as to the rest of the interview.