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Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Wait A Second...This Isn't What I Asked For!

     Stalkers...by a show of hands how many of you have one? Also, I should note that if you're raising your hand you probably are one.
     Most people think stalker and are instantly against the whole idea. But I think this is more because you haven't thought it through. You are focusing on all the negative aspects...like they follow you around...take your picture...dream that one day you will talk to them about all your secrets and share your whole world with them.
     Instead focus on the good aspects like...They follow you around and take your picture! It's like having your own personal paparazzi. After all, to the stalker, you are a celebrity and you make their lives whole.
     They also dream about you. Now I don't know about you, but this really boosts my ego. Knowing that out there somewhere, and maybe playing with sharp and dangerous objects, Jenny is dreaming of me. Gives me chills. They may even tattoo your name somewhere on their bodies!
    They also wanna know all your secrets. Kinda like that song by One Republic. And they will make sure that no one else ever learns about them from anyone...possibly even from you.
     They also like sharing your world. It's not breaking and entering, its endearment. And they didn't steal your underwear, it's a religious artifact they must worship.
     And sure they may call your phone all the time and then hang up, but at least this way you can never lose your phone.
     Now, this makes me want a stalker. But first I have to clarify a few things. You must understand that the last time I wished for a stalker I got one. See, a buddy of mine in Cincinnati, Ohio sent me pictures of this really hot blonde that he claimed was stalking him. I told him he was lucky and I immediately wished that I had a stalker.
     Three days later I got one, but I should have been specific in my wish making as my stalker was a 50-something-year old man.
     Years later, I retold this tale and once again wished for a stalker. This time I specifically said hot young female. And I got a younger version of Sandra Bullock. I should have asked for her to come in the "not crazy variety". As this girl broke the antenna off my car and left me a love note saying why she did it. Then told my fiancé's family that we were sleeping together.
     And if a hot younger woman tells your girlfriends family she is sleeping with you, and you look like me...they will always believe the girl. As Nina's Aunt Cathy said "Look at you, why would she lie?"
So this time I want a hot, young, smart, goal oriented, successful, clean psyche record, no felonies, no STD's and no hidden personality disorders woman who was born a woman and always remained a woman as a stalker.
     Feel free to follow me about, take my picture, bring me odd gifts at inappropriate times, stake out my house, harass any person I may try to date, and carve my name in your leg. Just make sure you call first.

6 comments:

  1. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Love stalkers! As long as their not sex offenders. Hey thats a new blog topic, "Getting Sex Offender Notifications" Bwahahahaha!!!

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  2. I thought i was your stalker !!!!!!

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  3. aww andie u have been neglecting ur duties lately.

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  4. lol i'm just making you think that!!

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  5. Hahaha, I can see how you have to be so specific! If you don't qualify the type of stalker you want, you might just get those 50 year old men like me, with the 60+ year old! It's obvious now, I've been going about this all wrong.

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  6. IKR I learned a long time ago to be specific

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