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Saturday, March 26, 2011

Excuse Me Sir, May I See Some ID?

How much would you pay for security? How much would you pay for a wallet? What if you could have both?
Dunhill is soon offering for sale a biometric wallet. I wish it were a bio-inches wallet as I flunked the metric system.
This wallet comes with a fingerprint scanner that links it directly to you. This feature would make me feel like James Bond. I would probably name my wallet Money Penny. Mainly because after paying over $800 for it, that would be the only money I could afford to put in it.
The wallet is also outfitted with Bluetooth technology. That way when ever anyone has their head up your ass, they can also take messages. This feature is mostly used for the built-in alarm that comes with the wallet. If your phone and your wallet get separated by more than 15 feet, it plays "It's All About The Benjamin's Baby."
Features that haven't been officially revealed are also pretty cool. Like the phones from the Bond movies, this wallet comes with a stun gun pre-installed. This feature works in three different ways. First it will electrocute someone on demand. By pressing a sequence of 42 different button combinations, you can stop a mugger cold. Second, if anyone tries to open the wallet other than yourself, well they will be shocked. And not by the fact you bought an $800 wallet or the fact that after said purchase you have nothing in it. Third, If your wallet gets separated by more than 15 ft. from your phone. This is a fun trick at parties. Simply pass the wallet to one of the neighbors kids you don't like and tell him to take it to someone across the room. Or better yet, hand it to your spouse and tell her to go to the store.
The wallet is made from a leather bound, carbon fiber shell. This makes it virtual indestructible, which is necessary after the first time it electrocutes you.
The wallet will order coffee in 12 different languages. It can operate any electric device. It sings the blues.
It will also ask how your day went and listen with sincerity while you complain for the upteenth time about Bill from Accounting.
The wallet likes to cuddle after sex and also enjoys sporting events. It is particularly fond of midget rodeos.
The wallet, being indestructible, protects your ass from gunfire, stabbing, fires, crowbars, and prison love.
The wallet is an Aquarius. It likes long, walks on the beach at sunset. Romantic comedies. And frisky women....oh wait never-mind this last sentence is about me, not the wallet.


  1. Really? Romantic comedies? Rob likes them too. Maybe there's something in the water in Georgia.

    And technology like that in my wallet . . . I really don't get it. There's obviously a market for it. I guess I don't fit the demographic.

  2. Yeah what can I say...I like to laugh at fairy tales...