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Saturday, March 12, 2011

I Bearly Made It Out Of There Alive

Bears. Most people that know me, know I am anxious of them. But very few know why.
Sure, I know the stuffed ones come in a variety of cuteness. But this is merely a feint. This is especially true of Build A Bear, where they make you place a heart into each bear you make. The reason this is so important is that the heart is secretly a tracking device. This way the bears can get you when you are most vulnerable.
With all the grace of a peg-legged pirate, bears chase down their prey and rip them to pieces.
They sometimes do this while dancing, standing atop a ball or stealing picnic baskets. How, you may ask, are they a danger to us? (Besides their foot long claws and razor sharp fangs?) Read on...
Ever wonder why Christopher Robin doesn't appear in newer remakes of the 100 Acre Woods? It's because Winnie mauled him. That isn't just honey in all those pots.
Every year, hundreds of innocent salmon are brutally executed by these cruel predators, before they can be canned and put on shelves at the supermarket.
In Yellowstone, a larcenous bear relieves you of your valuables by using his smaller, cuter bear friend as a distraction.
Why was a bear living in a big blue house? Because he ate the prior owners.
Some bears had ADHD, and they bounced here and there and everywhere. These "Gummi Bears" would use peoples heads like a trampoline.
"Little Bear" preyed exclusively on children.
Polar Bears have been stealing coke shipments, so they can distribute it themselves. I hear they have started using Santa as their mule.
In the "Jungle Book", Baloo tried to sell a human to a monkey.
"The Wuzzles" tried to make bears even more dangerous by cross-breeding them with butterflies.
"The Hair Bear Bunch" was a group of con artists that tried to escape the zoo every week.
Dorothy was even terrified of them. Imagine had she met the Berserker Bear, instead of the Cowardly Lion.
I've heard rumors about China training Pandas in the art of Kung-Fu.
Some bears were stalkers, the would pretend they cared about you, but then they would follow you and just stare.
A homophobes worst nightmare was made reality when we discovered the Hillbilly Bears.
Paddington had convinced the world that he in fact wasn't a bear and became insinuated into human culture.
The "Country Bear Jamboree" showed us that bears would lure us into false security by singing to us...right before they ate us.
Barney was not a bear, but a big purple dinosaur...but he creeped me out just as much.
And make sure you stay out of the woods today, because today is the day the Teddy Bears practice ritual sacrifice.


  1. What?

    No mention of Pooh?

    Dude . . .

    (On a side note, I'm scared of lava lamps. Seriously. I can't make this up.)

  2. See? This is what happens when I read things after getting only 3 hours of interrupted sleep and being awake for 8 hours. I somehow missed it. Probably jumped instead of scrolled and didn't notice because I blinked.

  3. Satia------> Ever wonder why Christopher Robin doesn't appear in newer remakes of the 100 Acre Woods? It's because Winnie mauled him. That isn't just honey in all those pots.

    LMAO!!! I love how you can take every childhood friendly bear and make him out to be the worst ever. I love Pooh, and Baloo was awesome!!

    However you did forget Teddy Rupskin, you know the talking bear/doll....I always think of Chuckie from that movie Childs Play when I thought of thst particular bear. I imagine Teddy coordinating attacks on innocent children in their sleep. Bwahahaha!!! Love it though!!