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Saturday, March 5, 2011

I May Not Have Skipped Out On The Check, But I Am Skipping Out On You

Today I'm going to give back to you, my readers. I'll do this by starting a "How To" series that will run sporadically throughout the year. Todays topic: How To End A Bad 1st Date.
We have all been on a few bad dates and sometimes its really hard to know how to get out of them without seeming like a complete jerk/bitch. I mean it's not like you can look at the guy and say "My God, you look just like my dead Uncle Jim...we had a 'special' relationship". Or can you?
So I've come up with a list of inappropriate things to say and do, in order to get out of a bad date and almost guarantee you won't get a call back.
1. "I'm pretty sure that my results will come back clean." Don't explain what results. Just mention it casually and appear nonchalant about the whole thing. And be sure to smile when you say it, not a Jokerish smile, but a warm and open smile that says "I may or may not have an STD". If, for some strange reason, he or she asks what results, just be vague and mention a trip a month or two ago to a brothel in Vegas or Mexico.
2. "Here you really could use a mint/gum/tic tac." Nothing puts a damper on a date than by bringing up the fact that they have bad breath. If its really bad, make sure you tell them they need altoids and nothing else can help. I always carry a package for blind dates just as a way out.
3. Hit on the waiter/waitress. Ask for his or her number, preferably when your date is asking you something important. tell the wait staff that you are trying to expand your horizons and that you aren't seeing anyone.
4. Tell the person you're with that they could always look better with plastic surgery. Offer it as a suggestion, not as a mandatory. Tell them they would be more attractive with a less freakishly large nose for example.
5. "I just got out of rehab." This is a great way to skip drinks. Also, you could vary this one up a bit and replace rehab with mental health facility. In either case, you can mention the fact that you tried to stab your ex with scissors.
6. "Could you give me a second? I need to call home so my pets don't worry about me. They get so protective when I stay out too late and if I don't check in, they will be very upset with me." This works really well if you tell your date the pet in question is a turtle.
7. "I only brought us here because I have a coupon." If you are the "asker" always carry a coupon or two with you so that you can whip it out if the date isn't going well. If the place you are at doesn't actually offer coupons, print something out with photoshop before the date.
8. "My other wives are going to adore you." Unless you are in Utah, this works really well to end the date...I don't recommend using it in Utah however, as this may be an encouragement.
9. "I just don't understand why people can't grasp the difference between jail and prison." Tell stories of spooning with Miguel in a Mexican prison. Or dropping the soap. Ladies, tell him that at first you thought she was a man.
10. "Can you get the check? I'm broke." Even if you end up getting the check, make a big deal that now you are paying it. Sigh loudly and be exasperated. Tell them you were saving up for a new set of golf clubs but it's now ruined because she had desert.
11. "After dinner a few of us are going back to my place. I hope you don't mind the cameras, but you will forget they are there." Tell her your name is Evan Long and that you shoot low budget porn on the side to help pay the bills. Girls, unfortunately this one may not work on guys.
12. "My boyfriend was in a lot better shape than you." Or "My Ex had that same outfit, but it looked a lot better on him." This is a quick way to crush his ego. Tell him that sometimes you take out your former superhuman ex's XXXL football jersey to wear as pajamas.
And lastly, if none of those work you could try "When we are ready to ascend, we shall drink the Kool-Aid and return to the stars." Mention that your "family" actually consists of a commune style group. Tell him or her that when the sign appears you will all be returning to the comet.

1 comment:

  1. Hahahahaha!! dUde, *ROFLMAO I fkn lOve it!