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Sunday, March 27, 2011

I Stopped By For A Nibble, Just Be Sure To Invite Me In

Vampires. A subject that unfortunately is forever linked to me. But because of fates cruel punishment, I have become protective of the mythologies. After all, when in Rome.
Which brings me to my biggest beef with most Vampire movies and novels today.
Whether it's the super heroes like Blade or Underworld or the angsty, broody vampires in Twilight or True Blood, they all forget the biggest part of being a vampire is that it's a curse.
The biggest curse Twilight offers is that vampires can't play baseball in the sunlight because it's like watching a rhinestone cowboy. How is being sparkly a curse? I can almost picture Elton John in the corner singing Daniel.
And in Blade, vampires run clubs and human cattle operations. After all, drawing attention to yourself is exactly what you want if you are unchanging. How many years could you pull off being the 24 year CEO of Wal-Mart. Oh sure, you could claim that if you live forever, you could amass wealth. But how easy is that when you have to hide in cellars and cemeteries?
Not to mention the fact that the real curse isn't the weakness to sunlight, silver or garlic. No the real curse is the living forever part. See, a few decades are great. But eventually, everyone else grows old and dies. And after one realizes that turning someone into a vampire never works out, one has to accept the fact that they can never be close to anyone. How many centuries would one last before they lost their sanity?
See, immortality is maddening. The longer you live the less connected you feel to the world around you. You can't teach old dogs new tricks as they say, and the same is true for vampires. Just ask them to program the DVR.
Everyone is resistant to change, just ask an old person about the price of milk.
This isn't to say that there are no good stories. I like Anne Rice and I even enjoy the Vampire Dairies, although the latter is a bit romanticized and the lead vampires have magic rings to let them go outside in the daylight. But the reason they are enjoyable to me is that the central theme to those novels is loss.
Like looking for your car in a parking lot, vampires are searching for something. Maybe its their lost humanity or maybe its a Krispy Kreme, but they all have something they lost that they want back.
So get back to the old roots, make them scary again...not these pathetic broody teenagers, who's biggest worry is that a girl or a guy won't love them for a few years. Make them haunted, broken, trying to find their way in a world they can't comprehend anymore. But keep them hot, because I like my undead mid twenties and blonde.


  1. I suffered through the first Twilight novel and loathed it so much that I refused to read further. And I find it annoying, this endless need to take the vampire mythos and change it or modify it to make it new, somehow. What's the point? I get the idea of playing with tradition and making the old feel new but there has to be a way of doing it without making the skin sparkle.

    And I like sparkly things!

    Rob and I watched one episode of the Vampire Diaries and didn't watch another. But then we had the same response to Moonlight . . . I think it was called Moonlight, anyway. We only watched on episode and were too bored to bother. I'm guessing the books are better . . . ?

    And I like 'em older with dark hair and eyes. Unless they're female . . . then its auburn with green eyes.

  2. Vamppire Diaries the show had to grow on me, my ex Allison and I watched it after Supernatural every Thursday and by 4 maybe 5 episodes I actually got converted. Its still a bit cheesy at times and it plays a little on the mythos but not so much that it bugs the crap out of me. Moonlight was a different story. I liked the campiness of it and the fact that it played on his tortured soul. There were aspects I didn't care for but it passed the time when nothing else was on. And yes red headed green eyed vampires are hot too lol.