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Thursday, March 17, 2011

Ish All Ah Wittle Fuzzy Ahficer

Ahh Saint Patrick's Day! An International holiday that has been welcomed whole heartedly across America. The origins of the holiday are steeped in Christian ideology, but everyone has accepted it for only one reason...drinking and other acts of gluttony.
See even though the holiday was created to honor a man named Patrick who used a shamrock to try and explain the idea of the Holy Trinity to the Celts of Ireland, it was accepted as a holiday because it was a day that let people out of their Lent vows. Since, fasting and disuse of alcohol were common during Lent, this was like a cheat day.
So to honor people finding Jesus, we do the only thing we are good at...getting falling down drunk and having pre-marital sex.
And being the good stewards of all things Godly, of course Americans eagerly embraced this holiday. Of course, Americans eagerly embrace any holiday that in some shape, form, or fashion involves alcohol.
After all we celebrate Cinco de Mayo with Corona, Easter, Thanksgiving and Christmas with wine, and my favorite, Arbor Day, I celebrate with alcohol derived from wormwood.
This is why we don't celebrate holidays of Islam. It isn't because we are xenophobic and think they all want to kill us. No, that is only part of it. It's because they abhor drinking and we can't understand why anyone would want to have all of your family under one roof while being sober.
So, now we must go forth and celebrate! Make sure you wear green, this way your face matches your outfit later.
I like to celebrate all holidays with firearms, so be sure after drinking heavily you all go out and shoot guns. Just be sure to wear your protection.
I also take pictures of all the women I think are hot while trashed and text them to friends. If a friend texts me back "dude, she is gorgeous", then I know she's probably a troll.
In my favorite city in America, Savannah, they have an open container law that allows you to drink out in the streets. Everyone has been drinking since sunrise awaiting the parade. By this point, every short person they see wearing green is a leprechaun.
Just make sure that what ever you do end up doing, doesn't land you in jail. Of course, if it does, please let me know as I can make fun of it later. 

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