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Monday, March 7, 2011

I've Been Tripping On Some Magic Mushrooms

Readers, I've always been a gamer. I started out years ago with such classics as Super Mario Brothers and have progressed forward to modern games like Call of Duty and Uncharted. I can honestly say that I have learned alot from gaming.
And since my love for gaming started with Mario, this is where I will begin. See on the surface the game is about a guy who rushes off to save a girl from a giant fire breathing turtle. Pretty standard stuff for a sci-fi movie or fantasy novel. So let's delve a little deeper. Mario and his girlfriend Peach visit a botanical garden. However, they were taking hallucinogens that day and started to trip after they arrived. I know after a few "magic mushrooms" you really will think that you doubled in size. So, Mario proceeded to trash the whole place by jumping on everything and possibly kills most of the indigenous wildlife.He does this because Peach wandered away for a smoothie. After all, they also had a little "flower power" that day too, and it gave them the munchies. In the end, Mario probably threw a turtle at a security guard nicknamed Bowser and grabbed Peach and fled the facility. I tried all of this at Busch Gardens and had a great time till the cops got there.
In Streets of Rage, you are encouraged to eat food found in trash cans and on the bodies of the drug dealers you just defeated. Don't mind the garbage, thats just a pepper substitute.
In many of the old Role Playing Games, wild animals would be found to be carrying text books and other "treasures" after you defeated them...I guess the dog really could have ate your homework.
The Legend of Zelda taught me that I can get the girl once I learn how to use my Master Sword properly.
In video games almost everything bad happens in one of two settings, New York City or some remote village you have never heard of. I say avoid those places and never worry about the next zombie/nazi/virus outbreak/STD fueled orgy again.
Barrels always explode. You should run as soon as you see one. As for the ones that don't explode, well there probably is a giant ape about to toss it at you..
If you need to get into super secure sections of any facility, get inside of a card board box. Just make sure its labeled properly, because then and only then will a patrolling guard take notice.
Your best friend is going to eventually betray you and take over the world. My advice, beat them to it by betraying them and taking it over 1st. They won't see that coming.
Diaries that are at least 100 years old are filled with vague and cryptic clues to treasures that may not even exist.
Zombie outbreaks can happen in a shopping mall, but don't worry you can easily defeat them with cd cases and fatty foods.
After an apocalypse only a rag tag band of miscreant children will be able to save us.
And lastly, villians tend to be quite chatty. They will answer every question and tell you every detail of their life. So, maybe you can keep them talking long enough to just die from boredom.


  1. I am a huge gamer...loved this! Especially Mario and the magic mushrooms!! Hahaha

  2. Ty so much! Glad you enjoyed. Ive been a gamer since I was able to hold a controller so, I figured I owed at least one of my satirical rants to the subject