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Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Look Up In The Sky, It's A Pigeon Raining Down On My Parade

In anticipation of all the comic book movies coming out this year: Thor, Green Lantern, etc. I have decided that I too should be a super hero. So now the only question is which one should I be? Hmm...Let me list what can only be described as Justice League quality skills....
Maybe I should be BackUp Plan Man. After all, it seems to be what I am best at. I keep the girl entertained until the guy she wants to be with is available. My super human listening skills and comforting touch would restore her confidence and help her move on to be with some one that isn't me.
Maybe I could be Absinthe Guy. My superhuman tolerance for wormwood would allow me to coast through the hallucinations and talk people out of bad trips. Where you may see a giant bear trying to eat you, I know for fact it really is a giant bear trying to eat you, but I will stay calm. From helping you deal with dancing heavenly bodies to overgrown pomeranians, I know that the best way to save the day is to be tripping balls.
Or maybe I could The Blog. I could talk about things that no one really cares about. In places that many will never hear. I could rant about chocolate milk. Or grapes. Or grapes dipped in chocolate milk. My amazing talent of talking about nothing would make me a super hero for sure.
Another option would be The Random Nutcase. Anyone who has ever talked with me knows that I can start the oddest conversations or do the most insane things. Like the time I dressed up as CatMan and went to BlockBuster. Or the time I burned my furniture in the back yard because I was out of fire wood. Or the time I let my friends bind and gag me and toss me in the trunk and I tried to escape at the mall.
I could also become Fashionably Late Dude. My penchant for arriving at anything late to the point of why even bother, is very well known. Ask my probation officer!
Or maybe I could put some of my useless trivia to good use! I could become The Film! I could bore criminals to death talking about any of the movies I have watched in great detail. And if that doesn't work then I could use the 800 plus dvds that I have as weapons.
Remember Dances With Wolves Man? I could be Runs Screaming From Bears While You Get Eaten Boy! My almost soprano voice can shatter glass when a bear wanders into my campground. And I don't have to out run the bear, I just have to out run you!
But maybe I'm going about this wrong. After all, most people prefer the villain. I could be Totaled Your Car in Spite Man. Or I could use the many skills I picked up from the anarchists cookbook and become Homemade Napalm Guy or Not Quite C4 Man. Talk about personas with explosive personalities.
I could become Secretly Wishing You Die Man. I would sit at home and stare at my ceiling and wish horrible things on you. Then when I see you in public, I will smile at you as I remember them.
I could also be the super villain Tapping Your Sister Guy. Sister is interchangeable with best friend if more appropriate. I could get revenge on the women that dumped me by seducing those closest to them. I would just have to be careful or else I could become the greatest of super villains...Jerry Springer.


  1. its a toss between random nutcase and filmi lol

  2. My evil power is the power of confusion: my ability to confuse not only myself but others. Most people do not think this is an evil power but if you were to put me in the room with the people who control The Button, I would have the nation's nuclear power at someone else's confused fingertips in a matter of moments.

    I think your film power is not far removed from my mythic metaphor, in which I over-analyze and compare and contrast various forms of media until you are so confused you've forgotten what it was you were watching and/or reading. However, this power of mine is closely related to the previous evil power of confusion that I don't know it is separate from or merely part and parcel of the whole.