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Sunday, March 20, 2011

Now I Have To Go Twice As Fast To Make Up The Time I Lost

Readers, when getting pulled over by a cop there many things you should do to make the experience more entertaining. And by entertaining, I mean when I am watching it later on COPS.
First, you should probably not pull over right away. These guys are paid to chase you, so I say make them earn their money. Just floor the gas and go.
Second, once you do finally stop, there is always the following conversation that starts with:
cop "do you know why I pulled you over?"
at this point most people either grudgingly admit what they did or they shake their head in innocence and say things like "No sir I don't". I say screw that. Instead answer with any of the following:
"Probably cause of that kid I hit back on 8th street?"
"Probably because of the kilo of coke in my trunk." I actually say this one all the time and I carry three cases of Coca Cola in my trunk. They think its hilarious.
"Because I resemble the guy that just knocked over the liquor store downtown?"
Or my personal favorite, "Because your a bored, fat bastard that has nothing else better to do than to bully innocent people while real criminals walk the street untouched." If that doesn't get you tazed, I don't know what will.
You could also freak out and throw your hot coffee in his face. That will definitely earn you spot on TV! You will probably get tazed by at least four of them!
When being pulled over and you are on a date, remove part of your clothing. This will freak your date out a bit, so make sure you never want to see her again. When the officer asks what exactly is going on, tell him you were just picking up your friend to give her a ride home. Give the officer the girls name as Mandy. If her name really is Mandy, tell the cop her name is Debbie. This will keep you tied up for hours.
My favorite episodes are the ones with the attack dogs, so when pulled over just jump out of your car and run. This will ensure that they release the dogs on you. You can look at it this way, you know your not out of shape if you can outrun a rottweiler!
When the cop has you out of your car, wander away mid questioning. Act like you are bored and disinterested. Tell him to "hurry the hell up, you have something important to do." This will ensure that you get a clean bed for the night.
If the cop asks "what are up to this evening?", respond back with "Its evening? Man, I am so fucking high."
Confess to crimes that you didn't commit. Or tell them that you were fleeing the shadow people.
But do something. It is your civic duty to keep our men in blue busy, active and me entertained.

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