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Saturday, March 19, 2011

Oh Wait, Im On The Other Line

I love getting calls at 4 AM from telemarketers. Just getting woken up and told what I benefits buying an air purification system are, gets me excited about my day.
I also love getting offered health insurance as I am going to bed or political advice.
I love try to sell stuff to telemarketers. Whenever they start their speeches, I try and sell them random junk. "Would you like to purchase cyber security?" my response, "I got dis here boat been here forever. It only got two holes in it. I sell it to you today for only 35 dollars."
I also like lecture political activists. If a democrat calls, I talk about how they haven't taken liberalism far enough. I should be able to practice my religion of kitten sacrifice at the mall if I wish. I also tell them that we should take abortion another step and just abort everyone. That usually ends the phone call.
If the caller is a republican, I talk about putting God in everything, even my cereal. And that everyone should have guns, even pre-schoolers. We should also deport all the poor. I then try and get them both to agree with whatever I am saying. If they do, I tell them this line is recorded and I plan to upload the audio to youtube.
I also don't tend to answer unavailable numbers. If your unavailable to me, then I am unavailable to you.
I sometimes make up random jingles for these callers such as "Ben's Abortion Clinic. You rape em we scrape em. No fetus can beat us." Or confess to crimes that never happened. "She's bleeding all over. She has so pretty. I want to keep her that way forever."
It's also fun to randomly scream everything you have to say at them. If they comment on that, say you are either deaf or in a loud environment.
Its sometimes funny to panic over fake zombie outbreaks or bear attacks. Or to talk about how no one loves you and you don't want to live. I kept a telemarketer on the phone for 4 hours with that one.
I also sometimes pretend to work for a rival company. I talk about the benefits of my product versus theirs. If he's a mac, then I'm a pc.
Sometimes, I act like they called a sex hotline and offer them a seductive good time. Or that they may have called an escort service and ask them what they are into and tell them the girls are very clean.
Oh look, the friends  of the firefighters are calling. I think I will tell them that I lost my home due to them getting a kitten out of a tree and I want reparations.

1 comment:

  1. you know reparations is my favorite lol and the abortion jiggle comes in a close 2nd. love it