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Thursday, March 24, 2011

Once Upon A Time...FML

Today I will share a few stories with you.
The first is about my first tattoo. See, after being released from a behavioral medicine group hospital, I decided that I would start over and get a tattoo to celebrate my changed life. The thing is though, I am terrified of needles. So, I got a few friends together and we went to the tattoo parlor and I decided that I wanted something simple that also was relatable. So I got a lit candle to remind me that hope is easily relit. So, I'm sitting there getting this done and everything is good. Until I see that I am now bleeding. At which point, I almost pass out. So, in as non a freaking out way as possible, I tell the artist that I need a 10 min break.
I go out to my car and smoke a whole pack of cigarettes. My head calms and I go back in and finish the tattoo. As I'm paying, it dawns on me that I don't have my car keys. I should also note that my friends had bailed on me at this point. I walk to my car and there they are...laying in the seat of my locked car. So, I then had to walk three miles to get my spare key from a friend and walk back to get my car...GoodTimes.
The second story is about the dangers of drinking too much. After imbibing a concoction that consists of a full shot of 151 dropped in a beer and chugged, (and after a second just like the 1st) I found I had no memory of anything that happens next.
All I do know is the next morning I came to several realizations.
These realizations seemed to occur over hours but the whole incident probably took less than ten minutes.
I realized, first, that I was in a room I had never been in before. Then I concluded that this was a girls room! And just like Quagmire, I was thinking 'alright.' Now when you awake under such conditions with no memory of how, where or what is going on let me give you a bit of advice...don't give in to curiosity. Just make something up and leave without asking any questions or looking any further. Because at this point I realized I was laying next to someone.
I could have just slipped quietly out, but curiosity kills the cat and I had to see who she was...and it was Jabba the Hutts sister.
At this point, I'm a little freaked out. But everything is ok because I am completely dressed and the I realized I was not. So I try and calm down and start looking for my clothes.
I can't find my belt, a sock or my underwear, but I say screw it and put on what I can find.
When you are in a situation, where you are trying to be quiet, you never are. So, I can't say I was surprised when I heard a grizzly bear growl at me "Hey baby, you not gonna say goodbye?"
To which I replied, "I don't even know your name. Just tell me where my drawers are and where my car is and I am gone."
After dodging the lamp she threw at me, I darted out the front door into a neighborhood I didn't recognize and saw my car off in the distance. It was sitting on the side of the road with the passenger side door open. It was like I had crawled out to puke and she took me home like a stray puppy.
I never found out who she was, or what happened to my missing articles of clothing. I swear she kept them as souvenirs...
And those are just two stories from my so called life...Maybe I will share others later.

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