Total Pageviews

Monday, March 14, 2011

Those Aren't Liver Spots, They Are Love Scars

Today devoted readers, I give back to you yet again.
How many of you out there, like myself, despise reality. Here's some helpful ways to deny it.
I hate to think that I'm getting older. So I refuse to. I've found a way to deny the reality of getting old is to party with Seniors. No, not college seniors. Not even high school. I'm talking about the folks at Shady Sands retirement home. After a few shots, you will drink them all under the table. You can tell the same jokes every 15 minutes and they will laugh. You won't have to worry about not being able to last the whole party as their bed time is at 7.
Another reality check is gaining weight. Sure, I could hit the gym or change my diet. But I like to believe I still have the metabolism I did at 17. And the easiest way to prove that, I still dress like i am in my early 20's. I find that the clothes are snug enough to keep me warm. On most of my body. The parts that are exposed needed just air and sun anyway. I like to head to the beach in nothing but a speed-o  to show off the fact that I'm as good a shape as I always was.
I also don't like the fact that I don't have the money I used to. So the easiest way to get around that is to use credit cards. This way, you can maintain the lifestyle to which you may or may never have been accustomed. I also laugh at the thought of paying the piper and pretend it never happened by throwing the statements away.
I also like to believe I am still "hip". No, I am not referring to Shady Sands kinda "hip". I mean cool, frosty, or just plain awesome. But to be cool, you have to be able to mingle with the youth of America. So I like to go down to the local pre-school and chat it up. Those young people hang on every word I say...which definitely earns me cool points. Especially when I read them Green Eggs and Ham.
Another way I used to defy reality was in my dating life. I wanted to be able to show that I could still get the beautiful, younger women I used to. This was easiest with twenty dollar bills. Or alot of crying.
I also like to think I am still in shape. So I keep a gym membership. 3 times a week I stop by, walk around to make sure everything is still the same, towel off after that exertion and then go hit the sauna.
Speaking of workouts, I also like to enter foot races and other similar events. After running about 6 yards, I generally hop on my motorcycle I parked in the bushes and catch up to the other contestants. This makes me feel as good a shape as they are.
Lastly and on a more personal note, I believe gravity is a myth.

No comments:

Post a Comment