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Saturday, April 30, 2011

My Mood Isn't So Charitable

They say charity begins at home, but I say it must have skipped my house. It seems the world is full of those that want to take, take, take but none that want to give...until now.
See, I have decided to become my own non-profit. After all, those payroll deductions that you give now don't seem to be helping your current charities at all. Else, why would they keep asking you for money? Instead of paying out years and years for charities that make claims about what the funds are for but can't show you where the money went, I will upload pictures to my Facebook to show you exactly how I am using your well placed donations.
See, what I'm proposing is a one time lifetime donation. Once you reach a donation maximum of $5000, you will never be asked to donate again. I will print a cheap pamphlet and mail it to you (C.O.D. of course) that mentions your name as a supporter. Actually scratch that, I will just send you a regular e-mail from my Gmail account. This way, I'm not wasting any of your precious donations on something as trivial as paper and envelops to mail to you.
Most charities offer support to good causes, like the United Way. They help organize programs for groups like the Easter Seals or Sparks (a battered women's program). I, too, will use your donations to fuel a worthy cause. Your money will go directly into a bank account so it can be properly dispersed. These funds will aide in the housing, the clothing and the feeding of a needy individual. It will also be used at times to provide recreational activities, that the designee may not have the opportunity to enjoy otherwise, like a trip to Australia. Or a weekend in Cabo San Lucas.
The funds may also sometimes be used to send the spokes person of the Sympathy Foundation on trips to speak publicly for the organization. These trips, will be only minimally awesome so that money isn't wasted. This means no 5 star hotels, only 4 1/2 ones.
Because the designee may have been denied the luxuries in life, once a year he will be treated to a day of pampering. This will include massages, and designer suits. As well as a educational trip to Las Vegas. This way he can be better educated on the theories of probability.
A portion of your proceeds will also be used to provide medical and dental and life insurance. Wait you know what, forget life insurance, after the designee is gone, he won't care about anything left behind.
So, if you wish to join this worthy cause, please make all checks payable The Sympathy Foundation c/o Benjamin Henry and I will personally e-mail you a letter of thanks.


  1. What brought this on? You want to help close shop for the weekend and you and John come to Tuscaloosa and volunteer to help clean up the town.

  2. No, mother you kind of missed the point...I'm wanting people to donate to me

  3. i knew youd find a way around charity. i didnt think it would be this way, lol. but you did..