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Sunday, April 10, 2011

My Store May Not Be Bigger Than Your Store, But At Least I Know How To Use It

Owning a business. Is there anything more American? It's like Apple Pie, baseball and homemade amateur porn. Ok, so the more American thing would be to move into an area and just steal everyone else's business and place a flag of Capitalism in the center of it all. We can claim we were educating the savages.
But how many people really know what is involved in owning a business? I mean, unlike real problems, you can't take these out back and teach them some manners. Well, unless your the Mafia, but then you followed the more American version of acquiring a business anyway.
If you have employees they may want basic features like being paid. I think they should feel lucky that I hired them to begin with. And why do you need health insurance? I think the better business plan is not to get sick and suck it up!
Bribing people to get your business started the right way is harder these days too. More people want their hands in that cookie jar. I think they should all wear signs that say "Bribe Me" to make them easier to identify and avoid things like jail sentences.
This way I could get the permits I need today and not tomorrow.
Then, once you are open, you have to maintain good customer relations, which I am good at! But alot of people don't deserve. I wish we could use tasers on the ones that annoy me.
Which brings me another business idea! Taze Me! The premise would work like this, you pay me to use a Taser on you. This wouldn't appeal to everyone but some people like whips and chains!
When did leg breaking go out of style? Now they call it extortion but I think it is a solid business venture. I mean, it shows outright what will happen, if your "insurance" isn't paid up.
In the movies, every business has secret passageways to escape in case of alien invasion, mob attacks, clones or ex wives. I wonder if my land lord will mind me making a big hole into the building next door for just such an eventuality!
I think that I should be paid to just stare at buildings and businesses. That could be my business! I could be an official watcher! Now if only I can market it....

1 comment:

  1. An official watcher . . . I thought the counsel was destroyed by The First.