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Tuesday, May 3, 2011

99 Problems And The Judge Gave You Another

In this society everything is casual, i.e. sex, dining, manners. But there are times when things shouldn't be casual. Like when you go to court. See folks, yesterday I had to go be a witness for a civil dispute. And since, like Barbie, I enjoy playing dress up. I went decked out in a nice suit and tie combo. After being told by an attorney that I came better dressed, my ego was on cruise control.
That was until the very large African American gentleman came in for a restraining order case wearing a t shirt that said "I Got 99 Problems But A Bitch Ain't One".
Now, I like Jay Z as much as the next guy and that song is awesome. But if the reason you are in court is a woman, maybe you should reconsider wearing it. That would be like an accused pedophile showing up wearing a shirt that read Local Elementary School Volunteer. Or an accused murderer wearing a shirt that says "They had it coming".
What part of getting dressed in that outfit seemed like a good idea?
I mean first off, who goes to court in a t shirt and blue jeans anyway? Especially in the south. The Judges here will put you under the jail. So the guy gets in front of the Judge who reads his shirt and says "99 problems huh? Looks like you made it to the full 100."
For those that don't know, if a judge makes jokes about how you are are f***ed. You may as well have shown up dressed as a mime. You would have stood a better chance of leniency. Wearing a chicken suit and humming while the judge talked would have gone over better.
I would have shown up dressed as a nudist before wearing that outfit to court for an abuse charge. I think if he had shown up with a baseball bat and pictures of him beating his ex he would have been treated better by the judge.
But at this point he may  have been right he may have 99 problems and a bitch ain't one, but being a bitch to a hardened prisoner...well that he may have...Of course that would jump his problems to about 105. Maybe he has never watched a courtroom drama. But he has to have seen the People's Court or Judge Judy right? If they won't let you look like that on fake court, why would he think he could dress like that for the real deal.
I would have plead insanity. I would been "Your Honor, as you can tell by the way I am dressed. I do not make the best decisions and i apologize because I am stupid."
Maybe the guy thought, "Hey, its a guy Judge right, he will think I am funny and it is all good." But no Judge will ever think that's funny unless the only thing they judge is pie eating contests. And even that is debatable.
So for those that need to know what proper dress code is for a session in court see the picture below.

And if you aren't going to a club, a party or a BDSM event, leave the colorful t shirts in your closet...Unless you want to share one with a guy named Miguel who will make sure you get cuddle time every night.


  1. Hahahahahaaaaa!! Good stuff. I have spent some time in court (against baby-daddys) and it is AH-MAY-ZING what people will wear or even what they will SAY to the judge. It's like, Hello, did you leave your brain at home??