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Wednesday, May 11, 2011

The Best Bachelor Parties To Ensure You Stay Single

I have been to alot of bachelor parties. And a few of them have been my own. In anticipation of the Hangover, I now give you the guide to having the best bachelor parties that should never be spoken of again. Remember the whole point of a bachelor party is to embarrass the groom. You are supposed to make him question whether or not he should get married the next day. Sure, some of you women may be angry about that statement, but honestly, would you want to marry a man that isn't totaled dedicated to you? And after the night I have planned, you will know 100%.
Step 1. Planning. See, most people will tell you to ask the groom what he wants, but frankly that is b/s. The fact is that now that he is getting married, he only wants what she wants and will discuss any plans you make with the future wife. So the best plan is to lie about your activities and surprise him along the way. Tell him, so he tells her, that you are golfing followed by dinner and drinks at Cypress. They don't need to know all the details of that show you booked starring Mandy the Midget and her close friend Brutus the Donkey. He will pretend to be embarrassed but secretly he will watch with all the fascination of a train wreck.
Step 2. No Bars/Clubs. This may sound like heresy but lets face it, you go to these places without a reason, so why go here for a special occasion. I suggest renting a boat and filling it with every beautiful woman from the beach you can find. This way, you have a great time and the groom sees what he is giving up. The nicer the boat, the better the passengers. But alcohol is a must! He will not do any of the crazy things you have planned without some liquid courage. Basically, no tequila = no doing jello shots off the waitress at Denny's at 2AM.
Step 3. Criminal Mischief. If he doesn't go to jail, you didn't do it right. He should be stealing a car, burning down an apartment building or smoking crack with Narcotics officers. The best bachelor parties always involve breaking the law in some way. This doesn't mean removing the tag off of your mattress that says "Do Not Remove." Offer him some weed, then leave the room and call the cops. Hilarity ensues! I should state that you should get the money for bail from him before calling the cops. This scenario can be made funnier by telling him something happened to the bride and he needs to rush to the hospital...this ensures it makes an episode of COPS, especially if you tell him beforehand he will have a police escort to let him get there as fast as possible! He will never ask why the blue lights are following him, instead of leading him!
Step 4. Prostitutes and Strip Clubs. The only exception to the no clubs rule. This is because you can find the cleanest, though not cheapest prostitutes here. If he really loves her, he won't be tempted at all by the idea of one night of carnal bliss with a girl that he had to pay for. Offer the girls to take the groom to the champagne room and see if he can be faithful. Besides, explaining away the stripper smell and hickeys will ensure that you have great conversations when having breakfast with the brides dad the next morning.
Step 5. Blackmail. This is the most important part. Film the whole night. This way you can use this information to ensure that you can never be blackmailed. Or if the bride is hot and he failed her trust, you can use it to take his place. Make sure the camera always catches you in the best light. Say things right before starting the film like "Yeah, this girl is gonna teach you what flexible is!" Then turn on the camera and say "Man, Im not sure this is cool."
I should add the disclaimer that I believe completely in the sanctity of marriage and that under no circumstance should you actually go through with any of the things that I listed above.


  1. We call these stag nights here & tend to have them the week before, doing the same sort of thing as you guys, but we also do things like strip the groom & tie to a lamp post or put them on a train, boat or plane to another county or country, hence why it is a week before! lol

  2. They are called stag nights or weekends,over here, depending on how long they last!!!! They are pretty much the same as yours, but tend to be a week before the wedding as sometime the groom will get put on a boat or train & get sent to another county or country! Hence why its a week before!!!! They also might get their clothes stripped of & tied to a lamp post or tree! lol

  3. No wonder I don't want to get married. The wedding will be called off if I go to my own bachelor party. It will be filmed and the woman I'm fixing to marry will see it, guaranteed.