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Monday, May 2, 2011

In The Name of The Father, The Son And The Whopper

Folks, I don't normally knock people for their religious beliefs, except those people that believe if you handle poisonous snakes and they don't bite you, then God must love them. Those guys are out of their damn minds. But, I tend to let people believe what they want. You wanna believe a comet is coming towards us that will carry all the righteous dead into heaven? Drink the Kool-Aid and go for it. You think that Elvis talks to you, who am I to judge. But what follows...
I'm all for having a good time at a religious experience. That's why I was so excited to be a part what I will refer to as the "Social Network" church. Following Facebooks lead, this church encourages networking.
Halfway through the service, the pastor who is about 14, announces that it's time for milk and cookies and we should all go and get some and hang out and mingle and make new friends.
Wait, what? After singing four really long and almost identical songs, we now take a 15 minute recess to go get coffee, cookies, tattoos, maybe a piercing, grocery shop, hit the gym and most importantly socialize with the people you feel are attractive...which may be why no one stopped to greet me. Although one homeless guy did hit on a cute little blonde three rows over!
It was like being in church at a Starbucks. Ok, today we are gonna talk about Jesus, but first lets get a Frap and a piece of pound cake, update our Facebook and laugh about how stupid Andy looked when he fell while he was tripping on shrooms.
So then the preacher came back inside from getting his hot dog and whiskey shot. And he started talking about Jesus and I was like "maybe I just imagined the whole let's take a break and get stoned". But then he says "The are so many to get off crack." It was then I noticed half the parishioners looked like it was their first day out of rehab. Well, at least the homeless guy makes sense now. At which point I sort of tune him out as I ponder all the ways to get off of crack. And then I start to wonder, has he tried them all? Which ways are more effective than others?
It wasn't until he mentioned the great places you can go if your good that I tuned back in. "One of the great places you can go if you are good is McDonalds." Now...he couldn't have said that. But then he says, "Let me re-emphasize what I just said. ONE of the GREAT places you can go if you are GOOD is McDonalds!"
You are right Mr Preacher man...Nothing stays with you eternally like the calorie overload that is the Big Mac. And since we also worship the 6 piece nugget, this place truly is a Mecca for Christians.
We ended the service by inviting the ones we liked most to support our causes and to click on our farms.
I guess in the beginning God said "Let there be Likes".


  1. I had no clue where you were going with this and goodness I hope that you made this up or maybe I don't because it's funny and somehow mostly because it could be true.

  2. Sad, but this is all true.

  3. If I am good but don't like Mc Donalds, is that sacrilege?

    LMAO Good one!!!

  4. LMAO!! I don't want to go to Mcdonalds when I die! I wanna go to Burger King!!! Who says you have to get off crack? If being on crack means you believe in Whoppers in the sky, well then I'm all for it!