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Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Surviving A Break Up In 5 Simple Steps

It is often said that life is dealt with in stages. So today I return to my how to series with a guide to dealing with a break up.
The first stage to dealing with a break up is Denial. No, it's not just an extremely polluted river in a foreign nation made famous for alien made structures. Denial is basically the marijuana of grief stages. It's your gateway grief response. Denial makes you think that everything will work back out and that he/she will call and realize that breaking up is all a big mistake. It paints the break-up as not being as significant as it really is. This form of denial is not to be confused with the denial you feel at a paternity suit. It is, however, the part of you that wishes to remain ignorant of the fact that while you were at work, your girlfriend was ridden more times than a carousel. We deny that the relationship is ending. We deny our significant other is a whore. We deny that she probably was paid for some of the acts that she performed because she would never perform them with us. Eventually, we can no longer deny that we were blind and we get slapped in the face...which leads to the next stage...
Anger. It should be noted that we do not always reflect our anger to the appropriate people...namely the ones that broke our heart. We tend to aim our anger at any that come into contact with us. Telling those Mormons that knocked on your door to talk about Jesus, that they can shove their holy book up certain orifices is uncalled for. Unless it is before 9 am, at which point you are justified. Anger makes us bitter to the world and to the ones that care about us the most. Sure, she may be a nosy neighbor that needs to mind her own damn business, but she's still your mom. Alot of people try and hide from their anger and this causes them to become ticking time bombs. I feel sorry for the next stray animal to crap on that guys yard...but sooner than later the next stage is entered...
Bargaining. In the words of the great poet Jewel "We bargain with the devil that he won't carry forth today." See, this is the stage where we sacrifice our pride and promise to become whatever our partner wants us to be to keep her around. We will change this or be more tolerant of that. For example, we could change the fact that we are not okay with an open relationship like she wants and that we will become more tolerant of her bringing random men or in some cases women home while we are at work. And sure that may work for a little while, but you will often progress back to anger if you stay there too long. Which is why that in some cases the 3rd stage is flip flopped with the 2nd. But eventually succumb to stage 4.
Prostitutes and strip clubs...oh wait this is tomorrows blog on the 5 stages to a great bachelor party...stage 4 of a break up is...Depression. This is the stage where men become whiny, poetic drunks and women get fat because of the use of comfort food. Men cry and complain that she should have loved me or given me another chance. And women don't understand why the hotter, thinner and not as naggy blonde is more his type. Some of us become substance abusers and others get filled with melancholy. But the feelings are pretty universal. We can't imagine ever being happy again. We don't know why we broke up since everything was so good. Nostalgia makes you forget their bad traits and romanticize their good ones. But it wasn't good...which is why you broke up. This stage can last a lifetime unless you pick yourself up and enter the last stage...
Acceptance. Eventually, you come to understand that the guy wasn't your perfect match. That she wasn't deserving of your affections. You learn that someone else could make you happy. You no longer wish that person could love and accept you. You stop sleeping around and focus on the people that actually care...if you have any of those left. It must be said that depressed people tend to run off alot of the people that care about them as do angry people. And those that would care may also be turned off by your whoring around. But hopefully, unlike me, you will have one or two people standing beside you. 


  1. You know, I was thinking this morning, "Where's that devil Samael?" I even checked to see if maybe by some perverse coincidence I missed a post. I hadn't but now you're back so I didn't even get a chance to worry or anything.

  2. I took a few days away unplugged to see if my stress level would didn't so I am back.

  3. My, oh my. Ever so slightly similar to my break up guide, dont you think?

  4. i found several different peoples versions (including urs) and they all had anywhere from three to 10 different steps...i streamlined it to 5. bt yes i must admit u actually inspired me to research and write my own version.