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Tuesday, May 24, 2011

This Went Off Without A Hitch

I have always had a knack for understanding people. Call it empathy, intuition, or the result of watching people through years of social awkwardness, I am really good at knowing why your neighbor doesn't date and has 40 cats. (Its because she's crazy).
So, it isn't surprising that a large number of people come to me for advice. However, it must be mentioned that, I would never come to me for advice. The mere fact that if you read this blog should tell you that. Yet, without fail, almost everyday some guy or gal will get my number off of Facebook and text me or call saying "I don't know what to do." After a few Hail Marys and Our Fathers, I then begin to tell them what it is exactly they should be doing.
This is where it gets interesting, because most of these people want relationship advice. And anyone that knows my track record with dating/marriage, will know that I know nothing about maintaining a relationship much longer than it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop.
Yet, strangely enough, this seems to only be when it is related to my love life. For some odd reason, the advice I give works.
I told one guy that he should take his date (whom is afraid of heights) on a hot air balloon ride. She got scared and almost fell out and he saved her life. They have been married 3 years now. Another, I told her to just speak her mind to her man. After telling him off and making him almost cry they had the most amazing make-up sex and they have been happy ever since.
Just this weekend, I finished a set up straight out of the movies. It's no wonder that my friend Ian says the movie Hitch is based on me. I took two almost strangers from different parts of the country and connected them through a series of coincidences and thoughtful planning. I literally reshaped the world for them. They hit it off as I knew they would. And now both are wanting more.
Which brings me to my next point of contention. Apparantly I know what you need more than you do. So, I think it is in the worlds interest to just listen and do as I say. I should be the Monarch of the Planet Earth. For instance, if I suggest that you step out in front of a bus, its not just because I want you to get run over. Maybe, I am trying to set you up with the driver! Or a paramedic or a doctor at the hospital.
The fact is you can never truly understand the methods to my madness, so just trust me. After all, I have always been a humanist!
So forget Match.com and E-harmony elitists. I will have you jumping hoops and crawling through holes! I will make you curse the day you met me! And when I am done, I will have given you the love of your life.
What can I say other than...Its a special kind of magic.


7 comments:

  1. All I can say is wow...lol.... you are too much...

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  2. LOL!! Finding love is so overrated.

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  3. thats just something the lonely (like myself) says to feel better about not having what everyone else seems to

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  4. Well said!! So....what should I do, Ben??

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  5. Well 1st u need a weed eater, some ready whip and an emu

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  6. I'm sooooo not going to ask you anymore serious questions. LMFAO!

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