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Thursday, May 19, 2011

The Walls Of My Heart Are Solidly Built

It's funny how you can look at someone your whole life and then in one moment everything changes. You go from being the best of friends to something much more. I always believed that when that happens, it has the best chance at forever. Because who doesn't want to be with their best friend.
After all, it's what I want.
The problem is that we often let our experiences with other people ruin any potential experiences we may have in the future. I've done it. You've done it. Everyone has.
So, how do you leave the ghosts where they the grave.
1st, you have to care enough about the person you are with to know they won't hurt you. If they would hurt, they wouldn't most likely have been your friend to begin with. Because the first and most important rule of love is sacrifice. Giving up your own wants, fears and desires to make someone else happy. We can do it for our children easy enough, but when it comes to our mates, we draw lines in the sand.
2nd, you have to be willing to take a chance. The fact is once you cross that line, there is no going back. It's naive to think you can go from friends to lovers to back to friends again. I wish it were possible, but I realize it really isn't. Which makes it sadder if the 1st part isn't there. Because then you have not only lost a lover, but a dear friend.
3rd, you can't over react. This one is a little tougher. Because you want to see the bad in everyone, because that is easier. After all, if she does something that your ex did then she must be planning to hurt you. But that isn't true necessarily. Each person is an individual. And each must be judged to their own merit. Sure you can be hesitant but again, if they are your friend first then you already know they won't hurt you.
4th, pride has to go. We are sometimes stupidly stubborn and hold onto grudges that have no place in the real world. We build walls to keep us safe. These defense mechanisms both help and hinder you. Sure keep them up with strangers, but you can't treat someone you have been friends with that way. Especially if they have been friends with you for a long time.
I struggle with each of these. I have abandonment issues. And I can't seem to make a relationship last longer than a mentos. So maybe, I don't deserve anything more than what I have been given.
But settling for less than the best I could have, has never been my style. My best male friend just lost his best female friend of 23 years because of this situation. Because she got scared and ran and left him standing in the ashes.
I'm praying that this time will be different. That for once, I won't be left out in the cold.


  1. An insightful and deep post. You are not funny this time, which is completely fine, just an observation. I hope all is well. Hopefully my latest post will at least get a giggle from you. It's roughly along the lines of "finding the one" but in a much sassier shallow way...

    On another note, obviously I barely know you, but I do know this, you struggle with feeling "worth it" which we all do. But you are a very intelligent "worthy" human being. You have an offbeat way about you, that I KNOW someone will appreciate. I share the same sort of feelings and frustrations, so just know that there's someone out there that knows that self-defeating voice all too well, and you are not alone.

  2. Its funny that you mention it not being funny...I actually warned people on Facebook that this would be a humorless post.
    As to my worth...well...that remains to be determined.
    I use my sarcasm and satire to hide the hurts and pains I carry as scars. Maybe one day I wont have those scars anymore, but again all that remains to be determined... to read your post

  3. Keep that humor and offbeat way. It suits you. Deep down I know you still have hope, otherwise you wouldn't even be writing about love/relationships. ;)