Total Pageviews

Thursday, June 2, 2011

For The Record Hun I Can't Stand You

Today I would like to make an apology. I know a few years ago, two days after we broke up, you woke up and found me sleeping naked on your dining room table. Your house was trashed and what appeared to be a small petting zoo was running all over.
The worst part were the two women that you never met before that passed out at the foot of your sons bed. And the fact that they were tripping on acid.
You just screamed in what could only be described as abject horror mixed with longing desire. 
Once you stopped, and I grabbed my clothes. We both noticed that your whole family had come into the dining room to see what had happened to you. While I think your dad was at 1st furious, that feeling was stolen when Candy and Renae wandered in naked and making out with each other. 
See, what I never told you was what happened that night. 
See, the day before you and I had a falling out. And heart broken, I went to a local bar and got wasted. The bar turned out to be a hangout of a midget named Barry. 
Barry was a circus performer and was ticked because the bearded lady broke up with him. So in my drunken stupor I agreed to help him get revenge. We drove to the fairgrounds and set lose the three giant pythons into Veronicas tent while she slept. Then we saw that some of the other animals had escaped, so after a few fruitless minutes of trying to get them back in the cage we decided to just load in our truck for the night. While driving around intoxicated, we passed the Cheetah club and decided nothing says strippers like a truck load of llamas. We proceeded to go inside and that is where I met Renae. 
She was a cute little brunette with beautiful blue eyes. Too bad she was a whore. But she seemed like a nice girl at the time. So we paid her to party with us and she said sure but only if her girlfriend could as well. 
We decided why not and we went back to my place for most of the night.
Then around 4 am I wanted waffles. But I didn't have any, and since I hated you anyway, I figured I would just come over with my newfound friends to have breakfast. 
And now you know how we ended up at your house.
Now, for my apology....I hope that you didn't eat any of the syrup. I was so mad at you that I added a special ingredient to the syrup. So, if you ate it or your kids did or your mom and dad...I am sorry.


  1. LMAO!!!! This is awesome! Whoever this is for, I almost want to apologize too!