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Tuesday, June 28, 2011

God I Hate Living Alone

Today is a new part in my "How To" series. Today's topic...How to keep your room mate freaked out.
Everyone knows that room mates suck, but unfortunately with the price of everything these days, they are sometimes necessary. So I have come up with a few strategies to ensure that room mates either leave you alone completely or move out.
1. This one requires you to be able to own a pet in your apartment. 1st get a new pet. Then make a show of affection and progress it from the pet sleeping on the balcony to sleeping on the couch to finally in your room. Talk to the pet as if it were a lover. Then one day sporadically yell in the middle of the night "I can't stand you anymore! I can't live with you! What do you want from me?" Then get out of bed and slam the door. The next day get rid of the pet and refuse to talk about it saying its just too painful.
2. Set your room mates stuff on fire. If he/she freaks out about it apologize and say look I was just testing an experiment for chemistry/work. The next day, do it again but this time tell your room mate you did it because you can't stand them. If you don't wish to risk being charged with arson, you could also just sit across the room and stare at your room mate while playing with a lighter mumbling "very very soon".
3. Call your room mates parents on their cell phone. Pretend to be your room mate and that your high/drunk. Curse them like crazy then hang up.
4. Gather items to make it through an apocalypse in the living room. Tell your room mate that, the world will end a week from Friday and you want to be prepared. Tell him/her that the Kool-Aid will be prepared an hour before the coming of your Lord and that they should drink it quickly to avoid suffering.
5. When rent comes due, pay your room mate in "magic beans". Tell him/her that you bought them from a guy in an alley who promised that would make all your dreams come true.
6. Put your room mate up for sale on Craigs List. Tell him/her that all proceeds are going to a good cause. Like cause you thought it would be funny to sell your room mate and buy a new TV.
7. Buy the creepiest doll/stuffed animal you can find. Set it up in a corner and have random arguments with it. One day catch your room mate in another room and tell him that the doll has been making snide remarks about him/her. Tell them that you have asked it to move out but it refuses to leave.
8. Buy a mannequin and a chainsaw. Dress the mannequin up in your room mates clothes then slowly dismember it with the chainsaw while your room mate looks on in fear. Make sure you giggle the whole time.
9. This one is a bit more complicated. It requires you to first make friends with people at the blood bank. Then get a few empty blood bags and fill them with a red juice of some kind. Each night, drink from the blood packs and explain to your room mate that you just can't seem to be able to quench your thirst.
10. Finally. Pack up all of your room mates belongings and put them in the hallway. Change the locks and when your room mate asks what is going on, tell them that the INS stopped by and said they were being deported for being in this country illegally and you wanted to make sure they didn't leave your stuff behind.

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