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Wednesday, June 29, 2011

I Socked It To Them And It Was Electric

Americans...you only won the womens world cup match against North Korea for one reason and one reason only...The North Koreans had all been struck by lightening right before the game.
This is the claim of the manager of the team from the NK, Kim. Kim says "It is a testament to their will, that they could play at all" going on to say, I dare you to be struck by lightening and then play soccer you Lazy Ass Americans.
Readers, I must admit I know absolutely nothing about the game of soccer  other than it is what I turn on when I need a nap. Watching sheep run up and down a green field and doing absolutely nothing is so peaceful, it puts me right to sleep. I am being told that those aren't sheep, they are in fact people and apparently they are trying to kick a ball into a net or something and I am still falling asleep.
See, I think this lightening thing has merits. After all, the few times I have watched sports, if an American athlete gets hurt, they sit it on the bench for at least a few games. These NK girls (or maybe they are just really small guys...its really hard to tell in some of the pictures) just got zapped and said bring it. Sure they lost, but they have much bigger balls than we do.
I think adding a zapping challenge may even help make soccer fun to watch. I say put a giant tesla coil in the center of the field and randomly electrocute players as they attempt to make shots. Also, find out if that 350lb woman playing goalie is faster than a bolt of lightening by sending a few sparks her way.
The NK may have finally figured out away to make Americans watch this sport. The only people in America that watch soccer are children, those with low functioning mental attributes, those that play soccer themselves and the easily amused.
By adding a "Lightening Round" or a "Sparky Playbook", more people may turn away from football and watch. Better yet, let players carry cattle prods, its not like you get to use your hands in this game anyways.
America, I have found the solution to your hatred to what the rest of world wants to call football. Randomly electrocute the players!

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