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Saturday, June 11, 2011

I Would Like A Job Or At Least A Dollar

Beer in hand he stumbled along the sidewalk. My best guess was he had on a pair of invisible 3D glasses which helped him avoid the invisible obstacles that were flying at him. He stopped and talked to non-existent passer-bys and he even danced for a few minutes.
Which is why we haven't eliminated homelessness in this country; they are just too damn entertaining. Whether they are relieving themselves in the meat case of large supermarkets or trying to steal cooking wine, they are the high point of many peoples day.
Watching a guy go to sleep in the doorway of an automatic door at Wally World is cool, but watching him do that right after asking for a dollar is priceless.
I have seen some really good signs too. More than the Homeless vet signs or will work for food signs, I like the "Bet you can't hit me with a quarter" signs. I also like the "My family was killed by ninjas and I need cash for karate lessons." I even saw a "I would like enough money to get shit faced for the evening and forget I am homeless" sign.
We watch them as if they are animals at the zoo. Heaven forbid if we walk on the same side of the street as one of them. I think the government should send them to countries we don't like and let them take up social services and bother the local populaces. We could call them Sending Homeless Into The Enemy or S.H.I.T.E.
What happened to the industrious homeless people? Like Robin Hood? Here was a guy that lived in the woods and robbed rich people so that he could drink and smoke as much crack as Lucky Eddy will sell.
Now they just go to shelters and then the next day panhandle beside major intersections. I think the shelters should require them to put on a talent show for the community. I wonder what kind of talents homeless people have. How about the ability to defecate oneself and show no sign of it happening? Or puppet shows with paper bags that they use to hide their alcohol with? I'll bet the one legged homeless prostitute named Jolene has many talents.
We could even charge admission, you know you have always wanted to see a public spectacle. This is why Bum-Fights was so successful. Hell, we could have a new version of Bum-Fights in UFC style arenas. It would be brutal and comedic at the same time. Maybe Jolene could be the ring girl!
Then the shelter could the use untalented ones and the non fighters to work, selling concessions and various mixed drinks. Sure they may eat or drink a portion of yours but that is part of the charm. Then shelters would no longer have to be tax exempt organizations. They could make enough money to pay back the governments and take care of the needs of the community at the same time.
Maybe they could even earn a reality TV show titled, "American Street Sleepers Got Talent".
We could vote each week as to which homeless person was most deserving of winning a job and a shitty apartment.
The possibilities are truly endless, just like the homeless problem we have in this country.

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