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Tuesday, June 7, 2011

I Wrote You A Letter But Didnt Pay For This Parcel

Today I was asked what writing means to me by my very attractive English writing professor.
My response..."Writing provides me with a way to communicate ideas in order to facilitate my take over of the world."
Writing has existed since caveman days. It came about when an uppity Neanderthal wanted more cavemen to listen to his boring lectures on saber tooth tiger hunting.
Since then writing has evolved to cover every thing from education to entertainment. Propaganda to porn. Oh wait I am sorry I mean "erotic literature" *insert rolling eyes here*.
But what it is it that drives one to write?
Is it arrogance? Is it a need to explain? To entertain? Or just a way to sort yourself?
Maybe in some cases its all of these things.
At least it is in my case. See the fact is I am arrogant. And I feel my opinion is the only one that matters. And I feel the need to explain that fact. And since I do it like this, its quite often entertaining.
Like anything Basil Marceaux says, it will surprise and astound you.
Writing is almost always fiction especially when based on facts.
Like that Newton guy that wrote about that is real.
And sometimes its to guide or mislead. This is because reading an authors work takes a lot on faith. But the same can be said of all religions.
Which is why devoted readers I am here to shepard you into Nirvana. Not the band but that wouldn't be bad either except the lead singer is dead and if we are watching him live, then we have bigger issues. Or we have discovered time travel. Just watch for monkeys bent on our destruction. And don't kill any bugs as that could start a zombie apocalypse.
But my writing is in fact a guide for you. Kind of like a paint by numbers to viewing the asinine. Some days I paint beautiful oil portraits and other days I throw paint in your face and laugh.
The point of writing is to convince skeptics to follow a line of thinking. Sort of like all the writings of science fiction author L Ron Hubbard. He managed to convince everyone that his books were true stories and made a fortune in the process.
I salute you Mr Hubbard. After all, aliens procreating with algae, and that bastard child evolving into modern forms of life is much easier to believe than many other creation stories.
So now that my true motive is revealed. Now that you know that I am indoctrinating you so I can take the world over. Will you keep reading or will you treat me like Stephen Kings newer stuff...only fit for kindling.


  1. Lol...pretty good stuff, but I would have liked to hear more about the hott english

  2. I now have another reason to add to my list of why I don't kill bugs. I'm trying to avoid a zombie apocalypse. I don't think people appreciate the sacrifices I'm making for them.

  3. should have just used your name instead of being anonymous...not very anonymous are ya?
    Satia, in the made up laws of time travel, killing a bug can keep you from being born or create new diseases or start a zombie apocalypse. It really depends on the desire of the writer who can't come up with a more plausible reason for why Abraham Lincoln is now a monkey.