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Saturday, July 30, 2011

Forget Glow Sticks, I Want A Glow-Dog

The scariest thing to happen in science has now been achieved. Glow in the dark puppies! It seems that scientists in the country of South Korea have now genetically created a breed of dog that glows a bright, pale green when exposed to ultra-violent light.
In a country that plays way too much World of Warcraft, this keeps the pet owners from having to break away from the game to shine a flashlight for the animals to see outside at night...a few tastefully arranged black lights and wa-la!
The Seoul National University (SNU) has claimed that the creation will help pave the way towards benefiting humans, and I agree! After all, I can think of no better improvement to mankind than being able to double for a glow worm!
The only downside is that it would put companies that make flashlights and glow sticks out of business. I mean why buy a mag light when you can just become irradiated and look like you just escaped Chernobyl.
The genetically modified beagle was created using a cloning technique called "somatic cell nuclear transfer", which was used by the SNU to create the worlds first cloned dog in 2005. The beagle, a pixie named Tegon, only cost about $3 million dollars to make. This means that the technology needed to make you a techno dancer extraordinaire is easily within reach for the average person.
The SNU claims "that the genes that cause the dog to glow can easily be replaced with fatal illnesses." Wait...what? So, are you saying you spent your entire countrys Gross National Product to clone a dog that glows...just to implant one of the "268 illnesses that dogs and humans" share?
And what does this mean for humans that want to be implanted with the glow worm gene? Will you secretly replace that with say Alzheimer's or Ebola? I guess I won't take out that loan after all...
The idea of cloning animals with super powers raises some interesting questions as well. (And no I am not just talking about the deadly disease thing.) What if they continue to make different pets with different super abilities...would they band together to fight injustice like some kind of "Justice Seeking Circus" or would they be more like the infamous "Legion of Zoo." I think Nickelodeon already does a show like this called 'The Wonder Pets.'
I mean think about it like this: we now have a glowing dog...what's next, chickens that can fly? A cat that spits venom? A goat that breathes fire? A Rosie O'Donnell that isn't a complete ass-clown?
The possibilities are endless!
And then come the moral questions? If God wanted our animals improved...wouldn't he have had the foresight to just make them? Or did he in fact make these and just made us believe that we made them so that we can brag about the things we are able to make? What if this is God's way of starting the zombie apocalypse? Imagine if the glowing gene mutates and causes the dog to become a flesh eating monster and it passes this new disease to humans -which would bring the total to 269 diseases dogs and man have in common... Keep these dark thoughts in mind as 'Rise of the Planet of the Apes' opens next weekend...
...after all God already created Super Monkeys...and we called them Man.

Friday, July 29, 2011

I Am InDebted To You

This is the paper that I had to write for my creative English class. Now that I have submitted the final copy to the college, I release the draft to the world. Enjoy!
      Grab a paddle and jump in a canoe, because we are up the proverbial fecal matter creek. The United States can’t pay the rent, and is about to be evicted. Our country, like the individuals it is comprised of, is in need of a financial counselor —and most likely in need of a debt consolidation loan. Like crazed shopping addicts sitting at home watching the QVC, our nation has bought everything to cross its borders without ever worrying about repayment. And with the economy doing so well, why should we ever worry about paying the piper? It’s not like anyone can shut the United States down for not paying its bills.
As it turns out, we should worry about paying the piper. Because if we can’t pay the bills, we will be shut down. It seems when you borrow several trillion dollars from countries like China and Japan, they expect to be repaid. I think instead of learning Spanish in high school, we should focus on the languages of the countries that own us. This goes for cultural practices and religions —I plan to convert to Shintoism.
The first question at hand is, “What led to the meltdown of the United States economy?” According to politician and political watchdog Tom Coburn, the answer is “Rock and roll and neon signs.” Mr. Coburn found hundreds of wasteful expenditures of tax payer money during 2010. Among those, $610,000 was paid to the University of California to scan pictures of Grateful Dead memorabilia. This was justified as preserving a cultural icon from fading into obscurity. Mr. Coburn also found that we spent 2 million dollars to help fund a “Neon Sign Museum” in Las Vegas. The Elvis impersonators only cost us our souls. These projects, referred to lovingly as “pork projects” often get put into existing bills as a way of gaining the support of other politicians. It’s an expensive way of scratching each other’s back for tax payers.
This leads to the second essential question, “What are we doing to resolve this?” The simple answer is: Press Conferences and Debating. The government’s response to the imminent shutdown of America has been more about pointing fingers, than resolving the crisis. Congress cannot seem to decide what our best course of action would be. Republicans blame the Democrats for the fallout and vice versa. This has led to fear mongering in Washington. They have been debating for months about possibly cutting essential programs like Social Security and Medicaid. After all, it is much more important to spend “$239,000 to research how internet dating works” than to take care of the elderly who helped build the nation we live in (Coburn).
The other option that Congress has been stalling over is whether or not the United States should borrow more money from China and Japan. After all, what better way to fend off the loan sharks than by borrowing money from them in order to pay the interest that we owe to the loan sharks.
Our Presidents response has been much more on point. He has simply said in an interview via CNN news, “let’s at least avert Armageddon.” Wisely Mr. Obama realizes that we might soon be “turning Japanese” if we can’t get a handle on our finances. He has pushed for raising the debt ceiling, which is just a fancier way of saying borrowing more money.
With these two examples, we can sleep assured that the crisis will be quickly abated. But, that leads to the next essential question, “How can we solve this crisis and prevent it from reoccurring?”
While there is no easy answer, maybe we could start by cutting funding to Joe Smiths rock collection. We should prioritize funding based on the needs of the majority — instead of focusing on pet projects like polls that determine who liked My Little Pony when it aired in the 80’s. If a Senator or a Representative feels so strongly towards these projects, then let them donate money from their own wallets to pay for them. These pork projects cost hundreds of thousands and if cut, that money could be used towards things like stimulating the economy or education. Or possibly, repaying the people that we owe money to!
Maybe we should order a set of ginsu knives to slice our way through the budget and get it manageable. Then once it is under control, we need protocols in place to prevent these kinds of items from being added to existing bills and other pieces of legislation. We need to make the entire budget available to the taxpayers before it is signed into law, so this way we can all be appalled at the wasteful expenditures that we have planned to pay out. The President has voiced this idea of transparency (an open and accountable government), so why is this fundamental part of governing not made available to the citizens?
If we don’t make the hard choices and make the cuts to unnecessary programs, then our foreign investors will find us in default. As constituents, it is our responsibility to ensure our elected officials behave as good stewards for the United States. We should voice our opinions to them. And if they won’t hear us, then we elect someone who will. But, I am sure that once we replace our President with an Emperor everything will be fine. Luckily, I already enjoy eating Lo Mein and Sesame Chicken —and I like my eel fried in tempura. 

Monday, July 25, 2011

The Night or Evening or Breakfast of the Living Dead

Well it has finally happened. The Zombie Apocalypse is upon us.
A 50 year old dead man woke up at a local mortuary in Libode South Africa after family delivered him there 24 hours earlier.
The man awoke screaming and the attendants of the mortuary did the only reasonable thing they could do when hearing a supposed dead man yelling to be taken home...the ran for their lives.
The man, whose identity remains undisclosed, awoke around 5 PM and demanded that he be released.
I think those attendants should be checked for bite marks and that the only way to solve this dilemma is the quick decapitation of the zombie.
I wonder if he was resurrected due to disease, chemical warfare, or Jesus.
It is alleged his first words were "Brains!" Which he immediately followed up with, "Also make sure you include a mint jelly sauce!"
When the dead start waking up in funeral homes, you know it is a sign of the Apocalypse. Ironically enough, our President has said as much just a week earlier!
I wonder if he knew that zombies would start popping up in third world nations?
This isn't the first case of zombie activity though...In 2007, Carlos Camejo woke up at the morgue after being declared dead by a Doctor...granted it was a Doctor of Horticulture but they require the same classes, right?
Carlos came to during the autopsy as the attending physicians were trying to close a wound on his face.
In 2009, an 84 year old woman woke up hours after she was placed in a body bag at Zwolen Hospital in Poland. She came conscious at a mortuary a few blocks away.
I've even heard rumors of a teenager that woke up in a morgue and out of fear for his "un"life took a swing at the lab they can be violent upon "coming back."
So lock your doors and run for your lives...They are coming and we are all going to be on the menu.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Every Hour Is Happy Hour!

Readers. I recently found two things that go together like ice and cream. They fit so well that keeping them separated any longer would be a crime.
That's right. I'm talking about Coors Light and McDonald's. Actually it could be any beer with any fast food chain. After all, what could be a better way to enjoy greasy almost food than slogging it down with a 40oz of my favorite brew.
I don't understand why no one else has thought to do this!
Someone else thought to do this. Burger King recently opened what they refer to as "Whopper Bars" in the cities of Las Vegas, Miami and of all places...Kansas City. Although that last choice may be a smart move after all, since it gives people a reason to want to go to Missouri.
Burger King isn't alone in this trend though, Starbucks and Sonic are also contemplating following suite. I think this is a great idea! Imagine walking into your corner Starbucks and getting a whipped Mocha Latte with a shot of Kahlua. Actually any item from Starbucks would be improved by a shot of Kahlua!
This would make those coffee houses much more fun to hang out in. After all, Starbucks tends to draw hot young women that pretend to be environmentally sensitive because they purchase an overpriced beverage that was served in a cup made of recycled material so they can justify driving the H3. Now mix in shots, and you have another bad decision these ladies can potentially make.
Sonic would also be a natural fit for serving both beer and liquor. I would love to have a Cherry Limeade Chiller with a shot of Woodford Reserve Bourbon.
I think this should be the market standard. Imagine getting a real "Happy Meal" that contains a 6 pack of Amber Bock. I'd say that makes for a much better toy.
This would make taking the kids to Chucky Cheese much more fun and Friendlys may just live up to its name if they offer Jager shots with purchase of Pistachio ice cream.
Wendys could offer the "Irish Whiskey" frostey!
Or how would you like to get a real Captain to help you find inner peace at Long John Silvers?
Now that we have established how awesome this idea is...let's figure out how we will market it! Imagine Ronald and Grimace stumbling out of the 100 Acre Woods (or where ever the imaginary people of McDonalds come from) talking about how great a time they had at Mickey D's.
Maybe in the Burger King commercials the King would seem less creepy after a few shots...but a better commercial would be the King creeping you out further by trying to get his unsuspecting victims to do body shots of his huge head!
Taco Bell could show 4 guys "crossing the border" to get late night food and Tequila/Corona.
People! I think we are missing the boat on business opportunities. After all, it's proven that when the economy goes down that drinking goes up! So think of it as fixing the broken economy! Selling drinks to people that are depressed will create new jobs to be given to some of those that are drinking which gives them more money to pay bills which makes them want to drink because they are happy! This is a total win-win!
Thanks to Wayne Bird for providing me with the idea for todays blog.

Monday, July 18, 2011

We Have Entered The Twilight Of My Life And Everything Is At Stake

Readers. If you have read my previous blog (I Stopped By For A Nibble Just Be Sure To Invite Me In), then you already know my opinion of vampires. Well it turns out that about 300 exorcists share my loathing and have all flocked to Poland for a Vampire Convention.
The group is meeting to discuss the modern state of vampirism and how mental illnesses are lies the devil makes up to beat possession charges. If only they would look into charging him for racketeering, that might actually stick.
Exorcists are traveling from as far away as Africa and India to attend the conference -- I think most are Team Jacob. They will be staying at the world famous Jasna Gora Monastery, home of the Black Madonna statue. I think it's a statue of Madonna that was cast immediately after filming the music video "Like a Virgin". Just like the real Madonna, the statue is believed to work miracles. The biggest one being that she still has enough fans to hold concerts that charge admission.
I just can't believe that I have never heard of this sooner! Supposedly, this family gathering is held every two years! Nothing says "Good Times" like tales of decapitating corpses among friends!
The group will be spending a week discussing whether Edward should cut his hair or be less sparkly in the sun. They plan to decide if staking a vampire is still effective or if the best way they could beat them is to boycott books written by Stephanie Meyer.
The second topic is more intriguing than the first in my opinion. Certain Catholic priests have hypothesized that metal disorders like schizophrenia and bipolar disorder are just lies the Devil made up to keep demon possessed people from being freed from hell. I agree...those guys don't need to stay on their medication they just need an old guy to tell them to say five Hail Mary's and sixteen Our Fathers.
This simple shift in treatment could save the medical industry millions. We wouldn't have to worry about spending grant money on cures, because all the patients would need is Jesus. Take that Glaxo Smith Kline!
I think they should take it even further and ban all medical treatments, after all isn't dying horribly just Gods way of welcoming you home? If he didn't want us to suffer with sickness, he wouldn't have made mimes.
So Poland! I am right there with you! I think the first thing we should do is march to the state of Washington and burn every whiny emo looking goth kid that shines like cubic zirconium in the sunlight at the stake for being a P****. Then we should probably give Ms Meyer a medal for helping root out this sinister element that has been hiding under our noses for so long.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

In The Name Of The Lasagna, The Sauce, And The Holy Rolls

Readers. I am all for religious freedom. After all, my God allows people to believe whatever they wish to believe even when they are wrong, so who am I to deny them the chance to burn eternally for their misguided belief systems. The fact that I, myself, am probably also wrong doesn't escape my attention...until I remember that I am always right...just ask my ex.
So when I read that Niko Alm was being harassed for his religious beliefs, I was instantly outraged.
Niko belongs to a church of thousands. This church follows the holy book The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster  and they worship pasta.
Niko is studying to become a Pastafarian, and has recently applied for his license to minister to Olive Garden and Carrabbas.
Niko's troubles began when he tried to get his drivers license. He wanted to wear his "Holy Colander" in the picture and Austrian officials at the DMV said no.
This set Niko on a course for justice and vindication. Personally, I like if someone wants to wander around town wearing pasta strainers for hats, I say let them.
Niko has claimed that he is being discriminated because of his religion.
The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster is the creation of satire write Bobby Henderson. He came up with idea when arguing against the practice of intelligent design being taught in Kansas schools. He wrote a letter to the State of Kansas' Board of Education that parodied the idea of creation via a deity. This led him to write a 200 page book about the Gospel of his "Deity".
In the "Gospel", followers are told that an invisible pasta creature created beer and then drunkenly created earth and all things in it, including two midgets called man and woman. These midgets lived happily in the "Olive Garden of Eden" until an accident forced them to flee.
This led to the midgets becoming pirates and giving candy to small children and singing campfire songs. These goodly souls were hated for their religious knowledge and later vilified by other religions as being murderers and thieves.
Henderson tried to correlate the decline of pirates with global warming and showed on his charts that as pirates vanished, temperatures rose. This is why they celebrate National Talk Like A Pirate Day on September 19th. They celebrate by dressing up as the goodly misunderstood pirates of the past and watch Tampa Bay lose in football.
The "Gospel" lays out some other holidays, including one called "Holiday" that takes place around the time of Chanukah and Christmas. This is celebrated by protesting the eating of Pasta unless prepared by a Pastafarian. The Pastafarians give you the body of their god along with garlic bread and a side of marinara sauce. They also celebrate a holiday called Ramendan which is around the same time as Ramadan, except instead of fasting and get drunk and be gluttonous.
With beliefs like these, I think wearing serving ware on his head is the least of Niko's problems. Diabetes and liver spots are probably the most severe obstacles that he will face in following his 'prophets' examples.
Of course instead of protesting for the right to wear a hat, maybe he should preach in Supermarkets and Italian places around Austria. This would likely earn him much more publicity than this issue with the DMV. He could explain the beliefs and how to celebrate each holiday and after he gets beaten up, I am sure he will be in headlines once again.

As you can see, this was one of the suggestions that I offered to talk about so by it appearing here today, it is not the topic that was chosen for my college paper.
Stay Tuned for More Details!

Friday, July 15, 2011

My Letter To The Editor

Readers...I have since the beginning been sharing my slanted editorial views with you and the masses. I have played devils advocate defending such hard hitting issues as Valemercialism and the right to bare arms. I have warned you of the dangers of bears and tried to push my politics of following Basil Marceaux down your throats.
Now my journalistic integrity must be put to the ultimate test. I have to write an editorial for my College English Creative Writing Class.
The problem is...what do I write about? See, the college submission must be relevant and timely. Which creates an interesting conundrum...If its interesting and timely...I have probably already made fun...I mean brought it to your attention.
So, I readers, I come to you looking for suggestions. What would you like to see me discuss that is relevant to the world around us? Several of you have already earned the Gold Star of Appreciation that I give in the form of inspired by's and now is your chance to earn one for yourself. Or to earn a second or even a third.
I will list some of the things that I have noticed happening in the world around us today.
1. Arizona Senator Lori Klein pulls her cute pink handgun on a reporter in defense of her 2nd amendment rights. I like this topic and even if this doesn't win the voting process, I will probably get to this eventually. I could write in defense of the senators actions, and justify why she did it.
2. California Republican Jeff Stone wants to split the state into two separate entities. This would create an North and South California. I could write this slanted in one of two ways. One -- the republican based South California wants to secede to keep from performing gay marriages or that the state should remain in tact and be one big miserable family.
3. Geico's mascot endangered as black market trade for geckos grows! Apparently the little lizards can be used to "treat" AIDS and impotence. I could write an article supporting the practice or I could side with the EPA and other environmental organizations in trying to stop it.
4. In an effort to combat religious oppression, Austrian resident Niko Alm is fighting to wear a pasta strainer as a hat in his drivers license photo. Niko belongs to the Church of the Spaghetti Monster and says the strainer is a religious symbol and that by denying him wearing it they are attacking his belief system. I would love to defend this guy!
5. An unknown colony of Snow Leopards has been discovered. The leopards have been thought of as nearly extinct. I can approach this in one of two ways: I can defend the environment and argue against deforestation or I can side with hunters claiming that if we didn't know these existed how can we say they are endangered?

So there are five of my ideas...if you like one of these message me here or on FaceBook. Or send me a text message at (850) 461 6487. Feel free to suggest another topic, just make sure it is relevant and easily researchable. If you help me choose, you will gain honorable mention here when I finally post it. Please send all messages by Sunday 5PM EST.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

I Know I Was Wrong, But It Was Only Because You Didn't Drink Your Milk

*The website has now been pulled and here is the link to find out why:

Finally an advertisement that gets it right...The new milk ads are stirring up quite a bit of controversy by appearing sexist on the surface.
But after reading through the website, I find that it is 100% accurate. The website is the newest marketing campaign for promoting calcium and dairy products. The premise of the new ads is simple: During "that time of the month" everything I (men) do is wrong and only drinking milk can make it better -- for her.
The website even takes it a step farther by offering apologies that can be personalized to your Facebook friends. You can tailor it to apologize for things you may have said like "But in the dark you and your sister look the same" or "the dress only makes you look fat when you wear it."
Then it will tell the woman you wronged how you would like to make it better by telling her what things you would give up for her. I gave up magic.
It also has preset apologies ready at hand in the form of posters. This way you can make such excuses as "I'm sorry for letting you completely misinterpret what I was saying" and "I'm sorry for remarking that your mom reminds me of the apes that raised Tarzan." 
It even offers suggestions of things you could say instead of saying the things you want to say...for example...let's say that you want to tell her to "Shut The F*** Up" the website will explain that what you should say is "My Your Eyes Are Pretty." Another great piece of advice...instead of saying "You must be suffering from PMS" say "I love when you are so lively."
It even has a GPS milk locator. This functions as a zip code based milk finder and points out every place that sells milk in your area.
Another feature is the type what you said and I will tell you what percent wrong you were box. This is where you type in what you said that started the fight with her. I typed in "Honey, I got your dry cleaning done, made dinner and booked us a cruise." Turns out I was 100% wrong, I figured it would be much lower.
This website managed to teach me a "a sousaphone is an excellent serenading instrument" and "roses are expensive so buy her a pint of whole milk instead."
I think this is a great idea and that more companies should jump on it. 
For instance, know what else would make her happy during that "time"? Diamonds. Why hasn't De Beers jumped on this yet? They could have been making a fortune. Flower companies learned this a long time ago so why haven't jewelry makers? It's hard to argue with logic like "Honey I just wanted to say that you were right all along and the evidence to back that up is right here in this 2 carat diamond ring." 
I bet you could use this method to sell everything from I-Pods to new cars.
"The 10 Things I Hate About You" has already taught me that the best way to be forgiven for being way out of line and borderline evil is to buy her a gift she really wanted and all will be forgiven. 
So there ya go readers...if you screw up, buy her a milk shake, a ticket to a concert, the newest Nicolas Sparks novel, a puppy, some flowers, a piece of cheese, some yoga lessons, a harp, that yogurt that regulates her digestion and a leer jet and all will be forgotten... until the next time you screw up.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

A Tale Of Racism, Murder And Embezzlement Solved By DNA Evidence

Two escaped convicts were nabbed by the police in Hanover, Germany. They had escaped their cages and made it a whole 165 feet to a bus stop before they were apprehended again.
40 year old Dunia and her friend Daela, 25, were both enjoying a vegan snack as they waited around innocently to catch the bus.
I think the police were profiling and that is how they were able to catch them so quickly...after all Dunia is of Indian heritage and Daela is of African descent. I am sure they stood out quite well in the suburbs of Germany. Passersby found the apprehension amusing and laughed and pointed.
Unfortunately for the pair, the bus stop is out of use during the summer and they wouldn't have gotten far. They had been working off their debt to society as indentured servants. The pair was rounded up and returned to the local circus to finish their life sentences...those poor elephants.
In other news, a man's right to bear arms was violated in the state of Pennsylvania. An attorney by the name of David Manilla had his home raided and had around 90 guns confiscated as well as a bag of ammunition.
I think this is what if David killed a man and then tried to cover it up by hiding the murder weapon, he has a God given right to own an arsenal. Sure, David was convicted of a violent felony, but that was in 1985...a lifetime I say let the past stay there and give David his guns.
I mean, if the guy he shot hadn't been hunting on David's property, he would still be alive. The victim, Barry Groh, was fatally shot only minutes after calling his wife to say he had bagged a huge buck. In the end, Barry ended up being the one bagged and full of buck shot.
The prosecution maintained that David failed to call for help and tried to hide the murder weapon and thus Davey was sentenced to up to 25 years in prison.
I am starting a free Davey petition, and I think we should show our support by shooting deer hunters!
Also from Germany...A soldier, whose name is unreleased but is 41 years old, is being held for possible embezzlement charges. Apparently, this guy was following along behind an armored car. And then, the armored car drivers didn't properly lock the doors and 3 safety deposit boxes fell out. So this unknown soldier pulled over collected the boxes and went about his day. Two days later, the soldier returned the safety deposit boxes unopened.
The boxes contained more than 1 million euros...which is the equivalent of like $8. And because he returned them, the police arrested him...So discover enough money to let you buy Portugal, and you return it to its owners and you get to go to jail? I would have kept the damn money! I think that is a better alternative, after all it wasn't like they could trace it...they didn't even know they lost it right away.
And lastly, beware the future of reality TV...Doggie Doo Mysteries a CSI spin off.
In Nashua, New Hampshire, an apartment complex is using DNA evidence to fine tenants for their pets leaving **** on the grass. Seems that the yard workers were tired of cleaning it up, so the manager Debbie Logan came up with a brilliant idea.
She would collect DNA samples from every animal in the complex and send to a facility that caters to Doggie DNA (I am assuming this is for pet cloning or weird human/poodle hybrids). Then whenever a pile of steaming poo is found on the grounds, instead of cleaning it up the yard men will now gather a small amount up and take it back to the office so that it can be sent to the lab for testing. Then the yard men can clean it up. I am sure the groundskeepers are thrilled about this extra doody...

Monday, July 11, 2011

I'm Dripping Ink Everywhere

Readers, I have found a new method for getting kids to raise their grades in class. Offer a tattoo. A teacher in San Francisco promised this very thing to his students if they could improve the schools scores by 50 points.
Stanley Richards, a science teacher at City Arts and Technology High, will be the one getting the tattoo.
In what sounds like a frat house dare, or a promise made after a night of binge drinking, Stan told his class that he would get a tattoo of "the vice principle...only hes a sumo wrestler and like he will have these medals and be slaying a dragon!"
My question is as follows: Is the V.P. so fat that you looked at him and thought sumo? Why not picture him as a ninja? Or why use Asian specific fighters? He could be a pirate or a spaceman or a cowboy on a space pony!
I wish my teachers would make such bets...I would personally tutor all of my class mates and make sure they brought grades up, only for the pleasure of watching said teachers get inked.
I would like to pick where they were placed as well and what they were of!
The one picture I saw made it look like Stan had to get the picture on his ass...I can think of so many references as to why he would do that but I will refrain as they are way obvious.
Think about it though, now tattoo parlors could also sponsor bake sales and girl scout cookies. Sell the most cookies little girls and your den mother gets a tattoo of Rush Limbaugh on a Harley drinking a Fresca while flipping the bird at liberals.
Or maybe, for growing your Sunday School class into religious prodigies, the Sunday School teacher has to get a tat of Yosemite Sam fighting off a pair of Blue-tentacled Alien Monkeys!
Schools could do tours of local shops and learn things like "how not to get hepatitis" or "the downside to sharing needles."
Imagine the YouTube videos that would pop up as ultra conservative Mrs Smith gets a tat of Bugs while he's cross-dressing! I bet these would be instant hits. You could even sell t-shirts that advertise for the event. The Artsy GradeBook Tattoo Removal Specialists would also make out on this idea!
You would instantly know which teachers are the best, because they would look like the tattoo artists. This would help cure any remaining social stigmas for the "Lizard Guy" or the dude that made himself look like a devil. You would think they are just really good professors.
Tattoo shops need to jump on this band wagon and solicit the local elementary schools...after all many of the young women will be strippers...I mean exotic pay their way through college anyway and tats get extra tips...
So Readers, go out and encourage your fellow man to get asinine drawings placed in odd places on their bodies. Let's stimulate the economy!

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Sex...And The Single Man Or Woman That Is Socially Inept But Owns A Computer

Readers, I have decided to do you all a favor and I have treaded into the world of internet dating so that you don't have to. I will admit that this is a very biased foray as I am not sure I believe a connection can be made with someone you have never met face to face.
After all, it is very easy for a 34-year-old man like myself to claim I am a 26-year-old multimillionaire who rescues puppies from shelters and drinks champagne with the homeless as a way of giving back. And since I am spending all of my time "giving back", I can't meet women the way a normal millionaire would...driving a $300,000 car up and down the beach...I have to resort to (name removed) the online dating service.

OK, I won't be actually naming any of the sites, because let's face it they are all basically the same. Regardless if it is e-Whatever and mix up and get together dot com or the one that sounds like it borders on bestiality and is promoted on Facebook, they are all the same basic concept. Join for free, upgrade to actually meet someone for a small fortune, get disappointed that aforementioned millionaire lives in his moms basement, drives a pinto, and is 56.

I mean the questions that they ask to determine compatibility are a joke...

Look at these two questions I was asked from the dating sites...*Note: I took liberities with the responses but I am pretty sure that they are pretty close to the choices available.

Do you like ponies?
A. I like them alot
B. I like them okay
C. I neither dislike or like them
D. I am not fond of equines

How would you define a successful date?
A. Dinner and a movie
B. Knocking over a liquor store
C. Picking her up on 10th street, paying her $25 and going home afterwards
D. Going to the beach
E. Enjoying an art show or pantomime

If you picked E. in the first question then it turns out you are compatible with A & D in the second question. If you picked A in the first question you are compatible with B & C in question two. And if you picked E in question number 2, you aren't compatible with anyone...freak.
I think all these sites do as part of their scientific research is throw darts at a board with each of our names on it. Whichever names the darts hit are your first matches.
It's like they cover an intern with honey and sticky notes with compatible qualities then they set loose a wild bear. Whatever qualities are still stuck to the corpse must be congruous.
While I believe that there is someone way more qualified than me to decide who my "soulmate" is, I shudder to think that can be decided by arbitrarily answering random multiple choice questions that I barely paid attention to as I was answering...wait did I say I liked boating or I enjoyed being broke...if you are taking your date out for the first on your first date, you most likely will be the latter before you two break up.
I mean, who really has gone on a first date "exploring the tundra." I guess that could apply to an Eskimo, but then its not really relevant to the rest of the mainstream world. You never see getting high and eating funions as a choice for "What do you like to do on a typical Saturday night?" Just like you never see "Have you ever been convicted of domestic abuse, and isn't that the real reason you are trying to meet people on the internet?"
The internet allows people to be whoever they wish to be. I could tell a dating site I am King of AtLyndia and it will never question that. It will say "Thanks and now upgrade to GOLD to get the most of your membership!" Why doesn't it ask for tax records or do criminal background checks? I would love to know the girl I am being matched up with wasn't recently released from prison!
And even though I am not overly concerned with physical appearances, there has to be a level of physical attraction in any meaningful and lasting relationship. So if the girl that you think looks like Sandra Bullock from the pictures she has up turns out to look more like Betty White, I call party foul. "Oh, I'm sorry, I haven't updated my profile in a while." Yeah in like 70 years from the look of you...I would say that you need to be arrested for fraud, but I think you would die of old age before you could get sentenced.
You can usually tell that the person isn't what they claim when they make excuses of why they can never meet you in person. If you have been "cyber dating" for two years and have never actually met face to face, it's because the "woman" you have been texting is a 50 year old guy named Mark.
I say forget online dating and let's go back to the proven methods...horoscopes and magic 8 balls.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

This Case Makes Me Sad

The world is in an uproar right now. We sit here and mull over the decision, and righteous idignation consumes us. After all, what right did they have to commit such a travesty of justice? Where is the protection for our youth?
Folks, as you all know 11 year old Omar Schpeb was robbed by a group of 5 teenagers while he and his friends were operating their lemonade stand in Strongville, Ohio.
These teens pulled up in a rusty car and threatened to beat them up unless they turned over the cash they had earned. Now, I have heard of knocking over liquor stores...but lemonade stands? After taking the kids $13.50, the 5 teens could each buy a McDouble and they could share a fry.
Omar valiantly chased after the fleeing vehicle, failing not only to catch them, but to get tag number as well. The teens were described as 2 males in blue hoodies with skinny jeans and 3 females. I think I see them right now in class with me! I wonder if there is a reward? I could always call crime stoppers...
In other national headlines, California is once again teaching me why their educational system is so over budgeted. Lawmakers just passed a bill to teach students "Gay History." Now to me, that sounds a little queer. After all, I wasn't aware that history had sex...or the people that taught history had sex either...if you had seen my history teacher you would be in full agreement.
Lawmakers said this measure is to show the contributions that gays, lesbians, transgendered and confused individuals have made to society. I didn't realize that by choosing to have sex with women, that I was performing a note worthy action destined to be recorded by historians should I accomplish anything significant...Oh wait, by being hetero sexual, I won't be noted because of my sexual preference...isn't this a little gay? I mean if we can have a Gay History Month, shouldn't schools also be allowed to have a Straight History Month? Or maybe the lawmakers meant gay as in odd? I can totally see having an odd history month! After all, where would we be if no one knew that the author of the Star Spangled Banner was accused of molesting the flag?
Personally, the idea of adding someones sexual preferences to history books seems self serving and as though it were a political agenda. If someone, male or female, of any race, contributes to society, shouldn't we recognize the person? After all it was John Smith that accomplished that...not a black man that accomplished that...Is it just me or does it seem to demeaning to note a persons ethnicity in their accomplishments? It makes it sound like they accomplished something in spite of, rather than because they were just smarter than the rest of us.
And lastly, everyone in America is wishing for the death of someone right now...and I agree she should die a horrible, painful death in the same manner as she committed her crime!
So, mother Grizzly bear in Yellowstone...I am calling you out! you can't kill innocent hikers just because you are bigger and get away with it because a jury found you not guilty of murder or even manslaughter...You even tried to cover it up and when questioned about it, you changed your story a few times. Sure they are holding you until proper sentencing can be given, but I don't buy it was an accident. I think you mauled that hiker because you wanted to be free to party with the other woodland creatures free of responsibility of being a side show attraction. You better dye your hair to match a black bear or a polar bear and move far away so that no one recognizes you! You have been placed on alert!

Monday, July 4, 2011

Burn Baby Burn

There are many do's and don'ts of the 4th of July.
1. Do use fireworks as they were intended...mainly as weapons of war. Take out your enemy quickly with Black Cats and Roman Candles.
2. Don't whine that explosions are too noisy. If you don't like them, purchase noise cancelling head phones.
3. Do use them to control the pet population. Easiest way to neuter your cat is with bottle rockets.
4. Don't eat potato's unAmerican. Instead eat 6 triple cheeseburgers with your BBQ.
5. Do get rid of unwanted clothing, furniture, cars, etc. by starting a bonfire. If you are burning other peoples stuff, it is customary to get them wasted 1st so they can't argue.
6. Don't concern yourself with warning labels. Smoking indoors in a firework factory is a great idea.
7. Coating your fireworks with homemade napalm helps make it burn longer as well as ignite everything it touches. This makes for larger, prettier displays.
8. Coating your neighbors with homemade napalm is not recommended unless no one sees you do it.
9. Sparklers are pointless, hand that 2-year-old a cherry bomb instead.
10. Make sure you don't pay your water bill so that the water is shut off for the holiday. This makes for a much more interesting day.
So go out and enjoy this Independence Day as intended by always using explosives responsibly...meaning just use them!

Friday, July 1, 2011

I Sent You An EMAIL To Address My Failings

Mother In Laws are special people. In most cases, this translates to you want to kill them but can't because you married their child.
In the case of Heidi Withers, I think she could be granted clemency.
See, Ms Withers went and spent the weekend with her future in laws. Once she got home she received three copies of the same e-mail from her future mom, Carolyn Bourne. Now, I can kinda see the problem here...Jason Bourne is a hard man to love and she was just wanting the best for her son....who's name isn't actually Jason but Freddie...(they changed it to keep the CIA from finding him.)
Carolyn chastised everything that Heidi did on the weekend trip. She made accusations that Heidi "shouldn't take additional helpings" at dinner "without asking her host." Because everyone knows, that marriage is so meaningless that spouses are just guests in each others lives...which is probably why Mr Bourne sleeps with a scullery maid.
She went on to say that "you shouldn't start eating at dinner before the host." I think this means that she wanted to eat a portion of everyone's meal first. And because Heidi actually started eating, well the Carolyn the Cow couldn't get her tithes.
Carolyn whined that Heidi shouldn't sleep in on vacations. After all, if the host is miserable and sad, everyone should get up with her at 4 am and be just as miserable and sad.
Carolyn said that guests shouldn't insult their hosts in bars and I agree...if someone is this big of a C*** you insult them in bars, restaurants, grocery stores and anywhere else that other people have a chance of hearing.
And I assure you, Carolyn, it wasn't shock...they were indeed laughing at you. After all, you kind of look like Hillary Clinton.
Frankly, I don't understand why anyone is surprised at Carolyn's behavior. It is alleged that she drinks alot.
Also, throughout human history mothers have told their sons future spouses that they aren't good enough and after all they would know...they weren't good enough for their sons fathers....

What follows in its entirety is the email as posted on Yahoo!:

from: Carolyn Bourne  
to: heidi withers  
subject: your lack of manners
It is high time someone explained to you about good manners. Yours are obvious by their absence and I feel sorry for you.

Unfortunately for Freddie, he has fallen in love with you and Freddie being Freddie, I gather it is not easy to reason with him or yet encourage him to consider how he might be able to help you. It may just be possible to get through to you though. I do hope so.
If you want to be accepted by the wider Bourne family I suggest you take some guidance from experts with utmost haste. There are plenty of finishing schools around.
Please, for your own good, for Freddie's sake and for your future involvement with the Bourne family, do something as soon as possible.

Here are a few examples of your lack of manners:

When you are a guest in another's house, you do not declare what you will and will not eat - unless you are positively allergic to something.

You do not remark that you do not have enough food.

You do not start before everyone else.

You do not take additional helpings without being invited to by your host.

When a guest in another's house, you do not lie in bed until late morning in households that rise early - you fall in line with house norms.

You should never ever insult the family you are about to join at any time and most definitely not in public. I gather you passed this off as a joke but the reaction in the pub was one of shock, not laughter.

You regularly draw attention to yourself. Perhaps you should ask yourself why. No one gets married in a castle unless they own it. It is brash, celebrity style behaviour.

I understand your parents are unable to contribute very much towards the cost of your wedding. (There is nothing wrong with that except that convention is such that one might presume they would have saved over the years for their daughters' marriages.)

If this is the case, it would be most ladylike and gracious to lower your sights and have a modest wedding as befits both your incomes.

One could be accused of thinking that Heidi Withers must be patting herself on the back for having caught a most eligible young man. I pity Freddie.