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Thursday, July 14, 2011

I Know I Was Wrong, But It Was Only Because You Didn't Drink Your Milk

*The website has now been pulled and here is the link to find out why:

Finally an advertisement that gets it right...The new milk ads are stirring up quite a bit of controversy by appearing sexist on the surface.
But after reading through the website, I find that it is 100% accurate. The website is the newest marketing campaign for promoting calcium and dairy products. The premise of the new ads is simple: During "that time of the month" everything I (men) do is wrong and only drinking milk can make it better -- for her.
The website even takes it a step farther by offering apologies that can be personalized to your Facebook friends. You can tailor it to apologize for things you may have said like "But in the dark you and your sister look the same" or "the dress only makes you look fat when you wear it."
Then it will tell the woman you wronged how you would like to make it better by telling her what things you would give up for her. I gave up magic.
It also has preset apologies ready at hand in the form of posters. This way you can make such excuses as "I'm sorry for letting you completely misinterpret what I was saying" and "I'm sorry for remarking that your mom reminds me of the apes that raised Tarzan." 
It even offers suggestions of things you could say instead of saying the things you want to say...for example...let's say that you want to tell her to "Shut The F*** Up" the website will explain that what you should say is "My Your Eyes Are Pretty." Another great piece of advice...instead of saying "You must be suffering from PMS" say "I love when you are so lively."
It even has a GPS milk locator. This functions as a zip code based milk finder and points out every place that sells milk in your area.
Another feature is the type what you said and I will tell you what percent wrong you were box. This is where you type in what you said that started the fight with her. I typed in "Honey, I got your dry cleaning done, made dinner and booked us a cruise." Turns out I was 100% wrong, I figured it would be much lower.
This website managed to teach me a "a sousaphone is an excellent serenading instrument" and "roses are expensive so buy her a pint of whole milk instead."
I think this is a great idea and that more companies should jump on it. 
For instance, know what else would make her happy during that "time"? Diamonds. Why hasn't De Beers jumped on this yet? They could have been making a fortune. Flower companies learned this a long time ago so why haven't jewelry makers? It's hard to argue with logic like "Honey I just wanted to say that you were right all along and the evidence to back that up is right here in this 2 carat diamond ring." 
I bet you could use this method to sell everything from I-Pods to new cars.
"The 10 Things I Hate About You" has already taught me that the best way to be forgiven for being way out of line and borderline evil is to buy her a gift she really wanted and all will be forgiven. 
So there ya go readers...if you screw up, buy her a milk shake, a ticket to a concert, the newest Nicolas Sparks novel, a puppy, some flowers, a piece of cheese, some yoga lessons, a harp, that yogurt that regulates her digestion and a leer jet and all will be forgotten... until the next time you screw up.


  1. I'd kill any man who dared to give me a Nicholas Sparks novel and it wouldn't have to be that time of the month. (I suggest making the milkshake a chocolate one. It certainly can't hurt.)

  2. Adds Nicolas Sparks to "day hell froze over pile" for Satia