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Friday, July 1, 2011

I Sent You An EMAIL To Address My Failings

Mother In Laws are special people. In most cases, this translates to you want to kill them but can't because you married their child.
In the case of Heidi Withers, I think she could be granted clemency.
See, Ms Withers went and spent the weekend with her future in laws. Once she got home she received three copies of the same e-mail from her future mom, Carolyn Bourne. Now, I can kinda see the problem here...Jason Bourne is a hard man to love and she was just wanting the best for her son....who's name isn't actually Jason but Freddie...(they changed it to keep the CIA from finding him.)
Carolyn chastised everything that Heidi did on the weekend trip. She made accusations that Heidi "shouldn't take additional helpings" at dinner "without asking her host." Because everyone knows, that marriage is so meaningless that spouses are just guests in each others lives...which is probably why Mr Bourne sleeps with a scullery maid.
She went on to say that "you shouldn't start eating at dinner before the host." I think this means that she wanted to eat a portion of everyone's meal first. And because Heidi actually started eating, well the Carolyn the Cow couldn't get her tithes.
Carolyn whined that Heidi shouldn't sleep in on vacations. After all, if the host is miserable and sad, everyone should get up with her at 4 am and be just as miserable and sad.
Carolyn said that guests shouldn't insult their hosts in bars and I agree...if someone is this big of a C*** you insult them in bars, restaurants, grocery stores and anywhere else that other people have a chance of hearing.
And I assure you, Carolyn, it wasn't shock...they were indeed laughing at you. After all, you kind of look like Hillary Clinton.
Frankly, I don't understand why anyone is surprised at Carolyn's behavior. It is alleged that she drinks alot.
Also, throughout human history mothers have told their sons future spouses that they aren't good enough and after all they would know...they weren't good enough for their sons fathers....

What follows in its entirety is the email as posted on Yahoo!:

from: Carolyn Bourne  
to: heidi withers  
subject: your lack of manners
It is high time someone explained to you about good manners. Yours are obvious by their absence and I feel sorry for you.

Unfortunately for Freddie, he has fallen in love with you and Freddie being Freddie, I gather it is not easy to reason with him or yet encourage him to consider how he might be able to help you. It may just be possible to get through to you though. I do hope so.
If you want to be accepted by the wider Bourne family I suggest you take some guidance from experts with utmost haste. There are plenty of finishing schools around.
Please, for your own good, for Freddie's sake and for your future involvement with the Bourne family, do something as soon as possible.

Here are a few examples of your lack of manners:

When you are a guest in another's house, you do not declare what you will and will not eat - unless you are positively allergic to something.

You do not remark that you do not have enough food.

You do not start before everyone else.

You do not take additional helpings without being invited to by your host.

When a guest in another's house, you do not lie in bed until late morning in households that rise early - you fall in line with house norms.

You should never ever insult the family you are about to join at any time and most definitely not in public. I gather you passed this off as a joke but the reaction in the pub was one of shock, not laughter.

You regularly draw attention to yourself. Perhaps you should ask yourself why. No one gets married in a castle unless they own it. It is brash, celebrity style behaviour.

I understand your parents are unable to contribute very much towards the cost of your wedding. (There is nothing wrong with that except that convention is such that one might presume they would have saved over the years for their daughters' marriages.)

If this is the case, it would be most ladylike and gracious to lower your sights and have a modest wedding as befits both your incomes.

One could be accused of thinking that Heidi Withers must be patting herself on the back for having caught a most eligible young man. I pity Freddie.


  1. I told my daughter-in-law that I fel as though I've failed her, that she will have nothing about which to complain in the future; while other women will complain about their mother-in-laws, the worst she will have far fewer things than they because I actually think she's wonderful.

    Of course, she's not still not good enough for my son but she might become a better person in a few more years. One can only hope.