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Saturday, July 9, 2011

Sex...And The Single Man Or Woman That Is Socially Inept But Owns A Computer

Readers, I have decided to do you all a favor and I have treaded into the world of internet dating so that you don't have to. I will admit that this is a very biased foray as I am not sure I believe a connection can be made with someone you have never met face to face.
After all, it is very easy for a 34-year-old man like myself to claim I am a 26-year-old multimillionaire who rescues puppies from shelters and drinks champagne with the homeless as a way of giving back. And since I am spending all of my time "giving back", I can't meet women the way a normal millionaire would...driving a $300,000 car up and down the beach...I have to resort to (name removed) the online dating service.

OK, I won't be actually naming any of the sites, because let's face it they are all basically the same. Regardless if it is e-Whatever and mix up and get together dot com or the one that sounds like it borders on bestiality and is promoted on Facebook, they are all the same basic concept. Join for free, upgrade to actually meet someone for a small fortune, get disappointed that aforementioned millionaire lives in his moms basement, drives a pinto, and is 56.


I mean the questions that they ask to determine compatibility are a joke...

Look at these two questions I was asked from the dating sites...*Note: I took liberities with the responses but I am pretty sure that they are pretty close to the choices available.

Do you like ponies?
A. I like them alot
B. I like them okay
C. I neither dislike or like them
D. I am not fond of equines
E. I CAN'T STAND F***ING HORSES!!!

How would you define a successful date?
A. Dinner and a movie
B. Knocking over a liquor store
C. Picking her up on 10th street, paying her $25 and going home afterwards
D. Going to the beach
E. Enjoying an art show or pantomime

If you picked E. in the first question then it turns out you are compatible with A & D in the second question. If you picked A in the first question you are compatible with B & C in question two. And if you picked E in question number 2, you aren't compatible with anyone...freak.
I think all these sites do as part of their scientific research is throw darts at a board with each of our names on it. Whichever names the darts hit are your first matches.
It's like they cover an intern with honey and sticky notes with compatible qualities then they set loose a wild bear. Whatever qualities are still stuck to the corpse must be congruous.
While I believe that there is someone way more qualified than me to decide who my "soulmate" is, I shudder to think that can be decided by arbitrarily answering random multiple choice questions that I barely paid attention to as I was answering...wait did I say I liked boating or I enjoyed being broke...if you are taking your date out for the first on your first date, you most likely will be the latter before you two break up.
I mean, who really has gone on a first date "exploring the tundra." I guess that could apply to an Eskimo, but then its not really relevant to the rest of the mainstream world. You never see getting high and eating funions as a choice for "What do you like to do on a typical Saturday night?" Just like you never see "Have you ever been convicted of domestic abuse, and isn't that the real reason you are trying to meet people on the internet?"
The internet allows people to be whoever they wish to be. I could tell a dating site I am King of AtLyndia and it will never question that. It will say "Thanks and now upgrade to GOLD to get the most of your membership!" Why doesn't it ask for tax records or do criminal background checks? I would love to know the girl I am being matched up with wasn't recently released from prison!
And even though I am not overly concerned with physical appearances, there has to be a level of physical attraction in any meaningful and lasting relationship. So if the girl that you think looks like Sandra Bullock from the pictures she has up turns out to look more like Betty White, I call party foul. "Oh, I'm sorry, I haven't updated my profile in a while." Yeah in like 70 years from the look of you...I would say that you need to be arrested for fraud, but I think you would die of old age before you could get sentenced.
You can usually tell that the person isn't what they claim when they make excuses of why they can never meet you in person. If you have been "cyber dating" for two years and have never actually met face to face, it's because the "woman" you have been texting is a 50 year old guy named Mark.
I say forget online dating and let's go back to the proven methods...horoscopes and magic 8 balls.

1 comment:

  1. I joined one that guaranteed they would match you with someone but, if they couldn't, they would let you keep your account open for free or something along those lines. They had a special "try us for two months free" and in two months they didn't find even one match. Not even a lousy one.

    I wish I had kept a blog when I was doing the online dating thing because I wrote some great emails to friends and family including one about the ten things not to do on a first date with Satia that included such gems as "Don't tell me you earned $10,000 last week and then make me do the driving because you don't have a car" and "Don't tell me about the model you went out with two days earlier and could have fucked but didn't because she was stupid" and then suggest that I'm not stupid as if, at this point, he had a chance . . .

    Anyway, whether you really are online dating or not, good luck with it. Dating sucks. I think one night stands are far easier and usually a lot more fun.

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