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Monday, July 4, 2011

Burn Baby Burn

There are many do's and don'ts of the 4th of July.
1. Do use fireworks as they were intended...mainly as weapons of war. Take out your enemy quickly with Black Cats and Roman Candles.
2. Don't whine that explosions are too noisy. If you don't like them, purchase noise cancelling head phones.
3. Do use them to control the pet population. Easiest way to neuter your cat is with bottle rockets.
4. Don't eat potato salad...it's unAmerican. Instead eat 6 triple cheeseburgers with your BBQ.
5. Do get rid of unwanted clothing, furniture, cars, etc. by starting a bonfire. If you are burning other peoples stuff, it is customary to get them wasted 1st so they can't argue.
6. Don't concern yourself with warning labels. Smoking indoors in a firework factory is a great idea.
7. Coating your fireworks with homemade napalm helps make it burn longer as well as ignite everything it touches. This makes for larger, prettier displays.
8. Coating your neighbors with homemade napalm is not recommended unless no one sees you do it.
9. Sparklers are pointless, hand that 2-year-old a cherry bomb instead.
10. Make sure you don't pay your water bill so that the water is shut off for the holiday. This makes for a much more interesting day.
So go out and enjoy this Independence Day as intended by always using explosives responsibly...meaning just use them!

1 comment:

  1. Our older dog has never liked fireworks. And my granddaughter hates loud noises so I'll almost best she only likes them from a quiet distance.

    As for me, I'll be home either reading a book or watching a movie. I'm too easily distracted by bright shiny things and can get into all sorts of trouble when the fireworks start taking over the night sky.

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