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Monday, July 18, 2011

We Have Entered The Twilight Of My Life And Everything Is At Stake

Readers. If you have read my previous blog (I Stopped By For A Nibble Just Be Sure To Invite Me In), then you already know my opinion of vampires. Well it turns out that about 300 exorcists share my loathing and have all flocked to Poland for a Vampire Convention.
The group is meeting to discuss the modern state of vampirism and how mental illnesses are lies the devil makes up to beat possession charges. If only they would look into charging him for racketeering, that might actually stick.
Exorcists are traveling from as far away as Africa and India to attend the conference -- I think most are Team Jacob. They will be staying at the world famous Jasna Gora Monastery, home of the Black Madonna statue. I think it's a statue of Madonna that was cast immediately after filming the music video "Like a Virgin". Just like the real Madonna, the statue is believed to work miracles. The biggest one being that she still has enough fans to hold concerts that charge admission.
I just can't believe that I have never heard of this sooner! Supposedly, this family gathering is held every two years! Nothing says "Good Times" like tales of decapitating corpses among friends!
The group will be spending a week discussing whether Edward should cut his hair or be less sparkly in the sun. They plan to decide if staking a vampire is still effective or if the best way they could beat them is to boycott books written by Stephanie Meyer.
The second topic is more intriguing than the first in my opinion. Certain Catholic priests have hypothesized that metal disorders like schizophrenia and bipolar disorder are just lies the Devil made up to keep demon possessed people from being freed from hell. I agree...those guys don't need to stay on their medication they just need an old guy to tell them to say five Hail Mary's and sixteen Our Fathers.
This simple shift in treatment could save the medical industry millions. We wouldn't have to worry about spending grant money on cures, because all the patients would need is Jesus. Take that Glaxo Smith Kline!
I think they should take it even further and ban all medical treatments, after all isn't dying horribly just Gods way of welcoming you home? If he didn't want us to suffer with sickness, he wouldn't have made mimes.
So Poland! I am right there with you! I think the first thing we should do is march to the state of Washington and burn every whiny emo looking goth kid that shines like cubic zirconium in the sunlight at the stake for being a P****. Then we should probably give Ms Meyer a medal for helping root out this sinister element that has been hiding under our noses for so long.

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