Total Pageviews

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

The Best Girls Can Be Rented On 10th Street

Readers a brand new study performed by the nonprofit group Prostitution Research & Education shows conclusively that men that rent women for sexual favors commit more crimes. This scientific research was headed up by Melissa Farley a clinical psychologist -- who also happens to be an anti-prostitution activist. I think that she grew up to be that way because of her dad Chris being found dead from an overdose with all those hookers.
But it turns out that Melissa had some pretty hard evidence to back up her claims...In interviews of 202 men in Boston, the men who had used a prostitute were more willing overall to divulge criminal histories than the ones that said they had not ever used a prostitute.
After all, if a man had a clean criminal history then he would surely spill the details to a stranger about the crimes he had not been caught for, right? I know I go up to every random person I meet and say things like, "I stole a car last week and went joy riding but returned it before the owners knew it was missing!" or "I use a dealer on 5th street."
Also knowing the people that funded this research, I am positive it was a completely non-biased affair. After all, she just interviewed men that were in prison and men that worked as bankers - who probably should have been in prison.
Besides, is it really a surprise that those with dubious morals and ethics would be okay with paying a woman for sex?
Ms. Farley believes that prostitution demeans women and takes away from their self worth...but most women I have met use sex as a way to get what she wants from the men in her life!
And it's not like all men aren't guilty of some form of prostitution anyways... I mean, if you take a girl out to dinner and a movie and then you pay for everything and afterwards she has sex with you...didn't you just technically pay for it? Isn't bartering for sex what Valemercialism Day is all about?
I say just legalize it. After all, it is the oldest profession. If it were legalized, think of all the other industries that could...ahem...grow with it. You could open an Adult Fun Store right next to Sally's House of Carnal Bliss! Forget just having condom dispensers in bathrooms, you could open a store that sells 31 flavors and varieties!
Video rental equipment could also make a come back! Everyone knows when you have a threesome with a girl that looks like she was smacked with a hammer and a midget that you will want a DVD to remember it by!
Want to know another industry that could make a comeback? Jesus! Opening a brothel or two in every town would surely rally the religious! They could help revive the paper industry by printing leaflets to warn visitors to the brothel exactly what will happen to that person in hell!
If you plan to make it a family vacation, the brothels could set up day-cares! Imagine getting a clown to make you an inflatable condom-poodle!
Doctors could open new walk-in clinics next door to test people for STD's and unwanted pregnancies!
Alcohol and Tobacco Industries could also see a growth spurt since it takes a lot of alcohol to make someone want to have sex with a random stranger for money!
Advertising firms could also make a return to prominence as the different brothels could advertise their specials for that week on television with commercials like "Free Doggy with the purchase of Reverse Cowgirl - bullwhip not included!"
So Ms. Farley instead of fighting the only secure career in this failing job market, isn't it your obligation to encourage its prosperity? After all...no one likes a flaccid economy...

3 comments:

  1. Setting aside the whole feminist debate as to whether or not prostitution is empowerment or enslavement, I confess that you had me chuckling over my early morning coffee with this one.

    Flaccid economy? I nearly did a spit take on that one.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I feel it's my job to get people thinking about issues differently than they may have previously...personally I think sex is empowering but picking a girl up off a street corner is demeaning. However, I have never met the girls of Nevadas Bunny Ranch, so maybe they lean more towards the empowering scale. The point of this whole piece was to poke fun at the methodology and the bias of the researchers who studied this subject.
    And then, it wouldn't be Sympathy if it didn't have the humor ;)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Isn't the REAL issue that in every case cited its always a misuse of sex from its original intention... therefore, biased or not, the outcome is always the same... perversion of the truth, which, btw, is never mentioned... that aside, you were suddessful in being irreverently humorous, which, of course, is what you exist to be... congrats on that...

    ReplyDelete