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Thursday, August 4, 2011

Happy Birthday Mr President, Hopefully Your Driver Can Get That Stain Out Of The Seat

Today is the Presidents birthday. So I would like to take a minute to congratulate him for reaching the half century mark. Now that he is officially in the mid-life zone, one has to wonder if he will suffer the dreaded mid-life crisis that so many men fall prey to...
If I were Michelle, I would fire all 20-something year old female staffers working at the White House...Typically men suffering from a mid-life crisis replace their wives with women half their ages. If the 1st lady questions her husbands sexuality, it may behoove her to fire all staffers under 30 regardless of gender...If only Elin Nordegren had done that, then we could still know who would win the Masters without being forced to watch it. I would also suspend his Air Force One and his limo privileges, because if you think it's easy to pick up girls at the beach with a sports car, you should see how easy it is to do in a 747!
Another sign a man is approaching his mid-life crisis is that life becomes boring for him...in my case that happened when I was 19...which means I am looking at the tail end of my existence...Usually this feeling causes men to become a bit reckless and add excitement to their lives...If Obama tries to take up sky-diving, I suggest that Michelle get him medicated, have him take up water polo...or let him parachute in with 101st Airborne. Any of those methods will end his mid-life very quickly.
Another commonality for the mid-life crisis is wanting to make rash and often insane financial decisions. Men typically want to change careers or invest in K-Mart/TG&Y stocks. If Obama decides he wants to stop being President and instead become the Sultan of New America, then I think Michelle should talk him out of it. Instead she should give him a turban and tell him that he is the Sultan of the Lincoln Bedroom, just not anywhere else.
He may also decide to buy things that he shouldn't...like Mexico. I know that some of the beaches are pretty awesome and it would end all the immigration debates, but that doesn't make it a good idea. The same applies to Canada.
Men in their mid-life crisis's tend to change their appearances. If the President starts wearing a soul patch and grows a mo-hawk, then watch out America...that will mean non-stop Pearl Jam. If he starts wearing new colognes though it may mean he is dating Justin Bieber.
Men in that stage of their life tend to lose all interest in sex with their partners. So Michelle, I will leave that one to you to figure out. I personally would have lost interest in having sex with you that time you wore ruffles and that belt from Assassins Creed.
If a man begins thinking about the girl he went to prom with, then that too can be a sign that he is having a mid-life crisis. Men that think they are dying, tend to reflect on the past. They long for the good old days and those "simpler times" that they remember. If he starts were platform shoes and wanting to do the Electric Bugaloe, then Michelle you should start burning his yearbooks. I would also suggest destroying his 8 track collection preemptively.
Other signs may be laughing at things that aren't funny like Rosie O'Donnell or taking up activities like hunting with buddies...(remember that Chaney did this just so he could use it as an excuse to shoot a guy going through a mid-life crisis.)
Remember that as the President, he will have infinite resources with which to succumb to this horrible affliction. Infinite resources meaning $7.48. Because that is all this country has in Fort Knox right now.
So anyways..Happy Birthday Barack Obama. Please just refrain from using tax payer money to pay for a cocaine/meth fueled orgy in the back of a Toyota van with those strippers from the PlayThing...use the ones from My New Toys instead, they are more fun.

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