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Monday, August 15, 2011

How I Love Thee...Let Me Count The Ways

Ladies, its that time of year when the guy that talks to his bagel has decided that he wants to take you out to dinner or he will absolutely die from heart ache. But the fact is that while bagel guy may be a catch, there are many suitors out there that aren't.
So ladies, here is a list of things you can do to make yourself less appealing to your new stalker and possibly give him the hint.
1. Advertise the fact that you love having sex with someone else in front of the guy. Make sure to mention that your secret lover is hung like a small pony. Nothing deflates a mans ego faster than being reminded he isn't big enough to take this ride.
2. When dealing with an unwanted suitor, you may become the beneficiary of several unwanted gifts. The minute you receive one immediately do one of the following actions. The first would be to say "Wow this is just what (insert name here, i.e. Mike, Robbie, Uncle Luke, My Prison Penpal, My Baby Daddy) has been asking for! Thank you this will make them so happy that I will get lucky tonight!" Also after saying this, you should immediately turn from the stalker and get on your phone with someone explaining the gift you just got for them! By wanting to give away something that someone gave you without a seconds hesitation, you will show the person they mean nothing to you - this is further proven by immediately dismissing them and getting on your phone with the person you wish to give it too! The second option requires you to burst into tears and let the stalker know that the flowers they gave you were the ones you put on the casket at your Me-maw's wake. That Grandpa Joe had a serious heart attack and was lost to at a family gathering at Denny's. Or maybe, that card was the same one your ex gave you on the day that you discovered he was cheating on you.
This will make him appear thoughtless and cruel...and maybe make him rethink how well he believes he knows you.
3. Find a internet site that lets you buy blanks (ammunition that makes noise and smoke but won't kill someone) and a gun to fire them. Then ask a male friend to play along and meet you in a place that both you and your stalker frequent. Have your friend start harassing you in front of your stalker. He needs to act like an ex boyfriend trying to hook back up. Tell him to meet you in the secluded part of the parking lot. At this point show the gun in your purse to the stalker and tell him you will deal with "that asshole" the same way you have dealt with all your ex's. Make sure stalker boy sees you fire at and "hit" your ex-boyfriend. Turn and look at your suitor and tell him "I should have just done that the day I got tired of him, like I did all the others."  This should assure that he never wants anything to do with you again.
4. This one is for the guys. Guys, if you have a lady friend that can't take a hint and keeps following you around and wanting to have your babies and shes attractive...Give her my number.

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