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Tuesday, August 30, 2011

I'm Pretty Sure I Can't Bend That Way

Yoga. As we approach September - national yoga month - I am reminded that I am not as flexible as I could be and that I am grateful for that fact. After all, wasn't yoga invented by a contortionist with a lisp that was practicing to go on stage while enjoying a Dannon smoothie and when asked what she was doing she simply tried to say "Yogurt" but it came out "Yoga?"
An acquaintance of mine, Robin Givens - yes that Robin Givens - used to lecture me endlessly about the benefits of practicing yoga. She normally did this after leaving the gym and was still wearing her gym apparel..which made it hard to focus on anything that she said without imagining her actually doing it. Which made me realize the only interest I would ever have in yoga is one of voyeurism. Just give me a lawn chair and video camera and that is the gift that keeps on giving.
I mean, ladies, while I appreciate the fact that you can bend and twist in those really fun to watch positions...I personally would rather lay on the couch. I mean I have seen pictures of people practicing yoga and people falling over drunk and some of them could go either way.
This isn't to say I dismiss the benefits or the skill required to perform many of the movements. I just am lazy.
Honestly for an exercise that doesn't require running, yoga looks exhausting! I can barely sit still much less hold an awkward position for several minutes or longer. Any woman that can properly hold these poses kinda scare me actually, I am pretty sure they could kick my ass in a fight!
So, I decided to look into yoga myself...and I learned that I didn't even know how to spell the word or the first thing about it...
Then top it off with their being two types of and cold...I thought this was an analogy to relationships, so I was surprised to learn it refers to the style of workout each offer.
Apparently, hot yoga doesn't refer to the kinds of girls that will be in the class...I was mildly disappointed, and I wanted to claim that false advertising had lured me in. But, I decided to stick it out and show these women and that one other guy just how easy this really was.
I learned this wasn't as easy as I thought it was.
I also forgot to bring a towel so after a few minutes I was slipping on my own sweat on the mat. After face planting twice, I decided the only heat I wanted was the sauna...I dejectedly took my mat and left to the sound of laughter as I made my way to the showers.
Cold yoga was basically the same thing, just they had the air conditioner on and set to 45 degrees Fahrenheit.
My instructor told me that the main difference between the two is that hot yoga is rigid and cold yoga promotes being in touch with your body...and after doing both, I can agree that I am mindful of how stiff my body is...
So, hats off to you...I would bow, but I don't think I would be able to stand back up.


  1. Hilarious. There is also Yin Yoga, which is basically gentle, lying about, holding floor stretches for several minutes at a time. Sign up for that one. :)

  2. So this is what it has come to...take the yoga class that only requires me to nap? How far I have fallen...