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Monday, August 22, 2011

Oh Dear Lord I Ate A Bad Date

Dating. Is there any other word that inspires such revulsion and revile?
The fact is that dating typically sucks. The reasons for this are many and varied, but I like to think in my case it boils down to one simple fact...she isn't as awesome as I am.
So, when a date is going badly, but I would like for it to improve, I begin to follow the following steps to bring the fun back into the suck-fest. These are my ways of improving a date.
First, if all she is talking about are her nails and makeup then you must understand she is doing this because she has no real personality. After all, you only went out with her because she was hot. But, typically, hot equates boring as shit. This is because beautiful people spend so much time maintaining their outward veneer, their brains solely focused on all things visually appealing, that they mass deleted anything not to do with fashion or acne relief from their brains.
If she is this vacuous, then there is only one reason you asked her out to begin with. And, if that is the only reason, and she agreed to go out with you...then you probably don't need any of my advice.
Ladies, I'll be honest, if we go out and all you talk about is the color eye shadow you are wearing and how long it took for you to decide how it better complimented your shoes...you will be taking a cab home from the restaurant. If this is the direction we are going, I will try and change things up...I will ask you if anyone ever told you that a blow up doll has more personality than you do and I just want to shove a knife in my ear so I don't have to listen to you anymore! This always fires the girl up and we usually start talking about things that matter...like who will be on top.
Sometimes, you go on a date with the opposite type of girl. Now personally, I like this category. Especially if she and I have chemistry. But I understand that there are a lot of guys out there that have no clue how to keep up with a conversation with a girl that is smart, witty and funny. So at this point you really only have a few options if you wish to keep seeing this girl. First, find out her favorite subject and avoid it if you know nothing about it! Maybe pick a book up on it to kinda have a inside look into her mind, but she will know if you really know your material or if you are trying to make yourself sound smarter than you are. Instead, if that topic comes up, admit your ignorance. Tell her you are genuinely interested in her thoughts and ideas and then do the impossible...pay attention because there is a quiz later!
If it is possible to avoid the topic that so inspires her, instead talk about something that she is slightly interested in but hasn't earned a doctorate for. These "middle ground conversations" are something even you can keep up with. You should also not be intimidated by how much smarter than you she is. This can totally work in your favor, as she already knew she was way smarter than you when she agreed to go out with you! The fact that she went out with you to begin with borders on morbid curiosity to having a soft spot for big dumb animals. In fact, you should probably remain in awe of her the whole evening. Show her that you respect her intelligence and you will get a second and most likely a third date.
But the average girl...is somewhere in between these two examples. This girl most likely doesn't feel as pretty as the head cheerleader type, nor as smart as the geeky girl type. To get the most out of this date, you have to remind her she is worthwhile. She probably thinks you only asked her out as some kind of prank or because she doesn't think she can do any better -note if you really are beneath her, then you better thank Jesus someone agreed to date you and make this woman a queen! Balance the conversation between honest flattery and mentally stimulating conversation. Show an interest in her that is both sexually motivated and intellectually stimulating and she will go out out with you again!
Lastly, the rarest type of girl of all...The hot, SeXy Nerdy Chick...Let me say that this girl is out of every mans league. If she decides to go out with you, you should thank whatever God you believe in and then proceed to have the most fun date of your life. This girl will most likely think you are the dull uninteresting one and will be using steps similar to the ones I've suggested to make you comfortable and at ease. In all the other examples, you take the role of hunter but with this girl you are markedly prey and she knows it. As a matter of fact there are only a few reasons why she would lower herself to date you...like maybe she felt sorry for you. If this is the case then just go out and have fun...this means she already likes your personality! Another option is that you hurt a friend of hers and she wants to humiliate you completely...if this turns out to be the case just accept the punishment gracefully..who knows if you show enough humility maybe she will then feel sorry for you and take you out again. Another option is that she was bored and looking to date someone she isn't compatible with at all. If this is the case, all you can do is be yourself and try have a good time, because you most likely won't get a second date.
As a matter of fact it should be stated that in all cases, you should be yourself. If you aren't a jet-setting neuro brain surgeon then don't pretend you are! She will know the truth when you take her home in your pinto to your moms basement!
Hopefully these tips will help you land the woman of your dreams.

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