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Friday, August 19, 2011

Some Things May Make Me Go Nuclear

I love my microwave oven. This magical device can turn a frozen piece of meat into a delectable gourmet dinner. So that's why last week I decided to find out what other uses this marvelous machine could be used for.
The first thing I found was that a microwave can help dry hair. I was dog-sitting my friends chihuahua and decided to give it a bath. Unfortunately, I didn't have any towels, and that is when I saw the microwave oven! Now I know what your thinking, why didn't I just toss it in the dryer? But the last time I did that I was cleaning dog vomit out for a month...The dog was probably dry in 8 secs...however I set the timer for 2 minutes...and at that point poor Dynamite lived up to her names potential. So, this taught me that if I wanted to use it as a blow dryer, I just needed to dial back the amount of time!
Also, a microwave can be used as a quicker way to self tan. After learning the proper time a small animal can be left in one with resulting in a mess to clean up, I noticed that a side effect was a shiny dark tan that bordered on 3rd degree burns! So imagine a full size one that you can step into get crispified and then go to the gym looking fabulous -sure there is a chance of getting skin cancer, but let's face it if you use tanning beds you will probably get it anyway.
A microwave can be used as a substitute for a clothes line or a dryer if either of those things are broken. Just make sure that you don't place anything made of metal in one as that could make the microwave explode.
The microwave is also a good place to store things you think are valuable! How many thieves looking for your jewelry will check there!
Microwaves are fun to throw at traffic while standing on an overpass! Just take one up and toss it over the side and watch and giggle at the chaos that ensues!
Microwaves can help get back at past lovers. Take any cutesy or sentimental items of theirs and toss it and let bake for 8 mins.
Microwaves can be used as stepping stools. Can't reach the top shelf? Stand on the top of your microwave and you will have easy access!
When combined with a PS3, an Xbox, and a few Wii controllers, a microwave can be converted to a missile control device. Take one of these around the silos in Nebraska and OoOoOo and ahhhh over the fireworks.
Older microwaves can be used to help build muscle. That's because they weighed a ton! Start bench pressing these babies and you will be buff in no time.
Microwaves can be temporarily used as a silver smelter. By temporarily, I mean used only once. That's because after it melts the silver it will likely catch fire and explode.
Microwaves can replace people as dates. Just duct tape one onto a mannequins body and then dress it and take it out on the town. People will be really impressed. After all, 'she' cooks for you and never complains...Just be sure not to let the stove know -she may get jealous after all she tends to clean up after herself.
When combined with a melee weapon (like a bat, a golf club or an ax) microwaves make great stress relief. If it overcooked your burrito, just beat the shit out of it!
Microwaving can help you make counterfeit artwork! Paint an oil painting of the Mona Lisa then toss it in a microwave to dry. It will "age" the canvas to make it look like it is very old and dry the painting out quickly!
Babysitting little hellions? Show them a video of what happened to Dynamite after 2 minutes! Then tell them that is what you will do to them if they don't behave! Works much better than time-out!
Jesus allegedly amazed the ancient Jews by cooking fish in one in half the time it usually takes!
Microwaves don't make good Jacuzzi's though...sorry Rhonda, I hope that your husband regains his ability to speak after the near fatal electric shock he experienced after I tossed one in his bath...
*Authors note: The author takes no responsibility for any bad things that may occur from attempting any of the above suggestions. That being said, please video any of the bad things that will occur and post them to http://www.youtube.com

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