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Saturday, August 6, 2011

Things I Would Like To Do With Your Ass

Readers, Hawaii has often complained that they don't need or want to be a part of the United States. They claim that they wish to keep their indigenous wild-life and that they don't want the tourists.
So I was shocked to learn that Hawaii needs California to help save its ass(es).
Apparently the wild donkey population has boomed lately and Hawaii can't support the population increase. So, they did the best thing they could think of...they are sending them to Hollywood. These guys will be screened as replacements for the Shrek Co-star 'Dawnkeys' stunt doubles.
I think Hawaii could have found many more interesting uses for the beasts of burden though than sending them to Cali to be castrated.
Maybe they could have hired them as bell hops at the many hotels they have along their beaches...or sacrificed them to volcano goddesses! Or maybe they could have given them to tourists as parting gifts! Instead of getting leid, you just get ass!
Also, couldn't they be used as rental vehicles? I hear that England uses them to cart around the handi-capped and that they are cheaper than a power chair! Also, you know who else rode around on a donkey? Jesus! So, if its good enough for him, why not for you?
Or how about as substitute hamburger meat? I will bet that really does taste like ass!
Also, couldn't they hire Kevin Costner to teach them Macbeth, like he did in The Postman? That would mean dinner and a show!
I've also read somewhere once upon a time that donkeys make great babysitters! Why not leave your young children with them and head out to paint the town! I'm sure your infants will be fine being tended to this gentle creature!
I hear that they also make great companions! As long as you don't mind them being a blanket hog that is.
Also, I hear Mexico has found some "stage" work for them, just ask Kelly to set you up with a show!
They can also be used to protect goats! So maybe introduce a goat species to your island cultures to give the donkeys something to do! This way you wouldn't need to worry about those rare plants anymore since the goats would just eat them.
Donkeys can also be taught to do tricks. Like play fetch or tennis! You could teach them to count the tourists as they got off the airplanes! This way you could know exactly how many trespassers were there!
So Hawaii, quit complaining about us stealing your native indigenous wild-life when you can't even put them to good use yourself! I think you are wasting these majestic horse-a-bies ultimate potential and therefore I am calling you out on your hypocrisy!

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