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Tuesday, August 16, 2011

You Should Let Me Pay You To Sit Naked In A Tub Of Noodles And Jam

     Readers. Lately I have been looking to buy new furniture, and the first place I went was to Craig's List. I must admit that I found no furniture I was interested in, but I did find several other ads that caught my attention.
     The first ad that grabbed my eye was from a woman in Des Moines, Iowa. Her ad was under the title "Jogging Partner" and she wants someone to help her exercise by "giving her Rohypnol and strapping her body to theirs at least three times a week." Guys, just be sure you can provide the Roofies and don't tell her where you got it from...she doesn't want to know! I can't see anything that could go wrong with this idea!          After all, the kind of guys that keep Rohypnol around are some of the most respectable people in the world. I know I use the date rape drug on random women at least once a never. The ball gag and rope are optional and must also be provided by her rapist...I mean running partner.
     The next ad was from a guy in Inland Empire, California. He was looking for a man of Russian origin with a strong accent who is at least 40-years-old. All he wanted was for the Russian to go to a bar for 30 minutes and sit with him. For this, he will pay you $200. I'd also request a bulletproof vest for this meeting! And I'd probably carry a gun as I am sure that hanging with this guy would be quite hazardous to my health. I wonder if the real Russian Mafia would take offense to this guy pretending he was a part of it?
     If you happen to be a guy that likes watching Harry Potter naked with another guy, Craig's List has the listing for you! A guy is looking for a fellow nudist to come over to his house and watch movies naked. He doesn't care how old you are or about your size or anything...he just wants to hang out in a clothing free environment...I tried a similar ad looking for hot girls to come watch Titanic and got no responses...maybe putting a pic of me posing like the Coppertone baby was the mistake...
     For the science fiction lovers out there, a group of girl Trekkies are looking to start up a turtle farm and want to share their new found passion with native Klingon speakers. Only in Canada...Of course, if I had known that speaking a fictional language would allow me easier access to dock my star ship in a girls space port...maybe I would have paid more attention.
     For those seeking a job, a guy in the Chicago area wants to start his own Demon Hunting Business. He wants to go kill people - that are actually demons. Ironically his ex-wife and boss are on the list.
     Another ad out of Bozeman, Montana is looking for someone to help operate a "working time machine." He plans to travel back to 1983 and handle some business. I think he wants to buy stock in Yahoo!....
     Another guy posted a 70 page rant about the "jackass" that stole his camera. He told in absolute detail of how he would hurt/maim the person responsible if he ever finds out! The last sentence however, does show that he felt it was possible that someone took it to turn it in to the police station, but then adds to the end of it..."but this isn't the case so f*** you!" I think he handled that whole thing rather calmly...
     Speaking of rants, a young woman used a listing to tell her porn-addicted boyfriend that she doesn't appreciate him trying to give her ass to mouth...She is okay with everything else, however...I wonder if she is single now...
     If you are a practioner of ancient Jewish magics, you could get hired to create a Golem. The writer is quick to point out he doesn't want a Gullem (that weird creepy thing from Lord of the Rings) but instead he wants an animated statute to do all the chores around the house. Maybe, he also wants this Frankenstein's monster to stop angry mobs from trying to burn down his house.
     And lastly, if you live in the area of Boulder, Colorado, you can become the proud owner of Sea Monkeys. A woman is selling her blind sons beloved pets and replacing it with a dog. And since her new apartment has a no "Sea Monkey Clause" these aquatic mischief makers have to go.
     After reading these, I wonder if I could advertise myself on Craig's List....


  1. Hilarious. Where have I been? Clearly, I've used Craig's List far too efficiently in the past because I have NEVER come across such...interesting want ads!

  2. You have to have eclectic searching skills to get the most out of Craig's List ;)