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Thursday, September 15, 2011

Not A Snowballs Chance In....

There are many times that single people are asked or thinking about asking someone out on a date. But on occasion the person asking is less than desirable and you would rather vomit than be seen in public with them. But most of the time, you don't want to actually tell that person that.
So for your reading curiosity I have come across a few new ways to get out of going on a date with someone.

1. Tell him you are being deported. You should go to your computer and forge a letter from immigration services with a real looking header and write a letter explaining how the government knows you are here illegally and that you are being returned to your native country of Yemen. Tell him you would love to go out with him once your citizenship status is resolved...in 7 to 8 years.
2. Tell him that is perfect because you need an alibi. Tell him you secretly murdered your last date and hid the body in a dumpster on 9th and Broadway. Tell him that should the cops ask, you have been with him every night for the last week and that if he knows whats good for him he will keep quiet unlike poor Mark...poor dumb Mark...As encouragement offer to let him clean the blood off your knife!
3. Tell him that you will be looking for a parking space that night. This will confuse the hell out of him, especially if you don't own a car! Just say that you can never be to comfortable with the state of parking and that you have to be on the look out for better conditions.
4. Tell him that is your annual "Get abducted by aliens" night. Tell him you take some lubricant and lay out in a neighbors field and await the coming of the visitors and that its a "heavenly" experience. You should look away wistfully towards the sky when mentioning the lube.
5. Tell him your favorite television commercials are on that night. Tell him you can't wait to know what happens to that damn rabbit in that nights "episode" and that you really hope he gets some Trix this time. Go on and on about the drama that Mazda has been building and how sad Verizon makes you.
6. Tell him your cat is being operated on for brain transplant surgery and you have to be there for moral support. Tell him that Kitty may wake up a serial killer depending on where they find the brain donor. And because you are so worried you will be hanging out at Dr Franken's office until the procedure is done.
7. Tell him your parents won't let you date! Sure you may be in your 30's but mom and dad are strict! Tell him that they don't want you dating until you get married!
8. Tell him you are related! And that going out with him would violate too many moral and ethical issues. Tell him it's on your mothers sisters uncles grandmas brothers cousins side of the family.
9. Tell him you are going to prison to fulfill your public service as a conjugal visitor. Tell him every week you drive to the local state or federal penitentiary and have sex with a random prisoner as an incentive for them to get back on the straight and narrow. Tell him that it is a joy for you to bring happiness like that to so many men that have fallen astray and lost hope. Then tell him you have been doing it every week for 7 years.
10. Lastly, tell him that blue makes you cry. Or whatever eye color he has and that it reminds you of a close dead relative and that going out with him would be a constant painful reminder that that particular person is gone. Getting misty eyed thinking about it and start to tear up. Then run away quickly.

If none of these work you can always try the direct approach....tazing the hell out of him.

3 comments:

  1. LOL, I especially like number 4 of course!

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  2. Just meandering through this witty post of yours!! I will take #8!! Although, that might not scare some men away...ick!! Have a beautiful day! Till you post again ....:>)

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