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Thursday, September 8, 2011

The Naked Truth...About Being Naked

Readers. I just realized something this morning. Being naked is always awkward. It doesn't matter if you are alone, with someone special, or waking up that way in a bed with 8 strangers and no memory of what happened after a boozed filled night from the day before.
There is almost always that dread that comes with looking at ones self in the mirror...the few extra pounds...the hair in weird places...the undersized equipment that looks borrowed from toddlers...
Which is why this story from San Francisco is even more disturbing. 
It turns out that it is perfectly legal to wander the city of San Fran sans clothing at any time one wants! Except politicians want to take away your right to public humiliation by requiring nudists to wear clothes in certain situations...Like when you go in a restaurant! Since every person I have ever known to be a nudist is someone I would never want to see naked, the last thing I want to see is a pair of dangling olives at the garden!
Or how about while getting take out from the Hot Dog Shack!
The politicians of California also want to require nudists to put something between their bare asses and the public seats they currently sit that isn't mud staining that chair!
I say let the fatties, the grotesque and the old wander around naked all they want...that is another new reason to never visit California.
Ben & Jerry's is unveiling a new ice cream flavor today. Called Schweddy Balls, it is as suggestive as the other flavor Karmel Sutra. I don't want to think about the ingredients that go into making this one! The company spokesperson, Sean Greenwood, has stated that "the company isn't concerned about being offensive." Well I am offended they didn't get the schwed off of my balls!
If one needs to escape a sex scandal, go to Mexico. It turns out they are extremely tolerant of scandals according to a new survey conducted by Reuters. I didn't think that a survey was necessary considering all the barnyard shows that country puts on....
Hungary has come with a unique way to get people to fill out the national census...naked women in hot lingerie! A new video that can be found here. The video entices viewers to go online and complete the census data by showing a topless girl in red panties and black thigh high boots talking about that very thing with an unseen census taker. Though the video isn't subtitled, I am sure it goes something like this:
Hot Naked Girl: I have a client inside. What do you want?
Unseen Census Worker: (Before looking up) I stopped by today to discuss the cen- (looks up) I'm sorry, I forgot why I am here. Can I get an appointment?
Hot Naked Girl: (smiles and nods) Absolutely. Come back at 4:30.
In other news, Gumby - yes the big green phallic looking creature from the 70's and 80's - attempted to rob a convenience store in Los Angeles. Apparently the out of work Gumby and an accomplice were tired of working in the Stagg industry and decided to make some quick cash that wouldn't require a test afterwards. 
Gumby demanded money from the clerk and then reached inside itself in an effort to produce a weapon. However, this only produced about 30 cents - that Gumby left when he fled!
Gumby flew from the scene in a minivan that was allegedly driven by his sidekick Pokey. Ironically enough, when Gumby and his accomplice get caught that is where they both will get sent.
So see readers, being naked or looking like a giant **** or selling products named for dangling appendages is bad...This is why I never get undressed - even when I shower.
I would like to thank Dani, my English Composition 1102 class, and all the girl's that laughed at me because I forgot to turn out the lights for inspiring this article.


  1. Yeah well Dani...the Pokes on you ;)

  2. I learned a looooong time ago that when I'm naked and there's a man in the room there's nothing to worry about. I just assume his thoughts are something like this:

    Oh my God, she's naked. I'm here and she's naked. Boobs! She's naked! She has breasts! Oh my fucking God. Thank you Jesus, Buddha, Ganesha. I've never been so happy. She's a woman. She's naked. Boobs!!!

    I may be mistaken. Don't enlighten me.

  3. LOL, I'm pretty sure that is spot on.