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Thursday, September 29, 2011

That's No Way To Get A Head

It is said that nothing special ever happened on September 10th. So I set out to prove this statement wrong...and at first...I could not. See, the universe revolves around a few constant unwavering laws. The sky is blue. What goes up, will inflate gas prices which in turn will piss me off. And I am never wrong. So when it turned out that I could be wrong, I began questioning the other constants. Just as I was ready rethink Yanni as a musician, I found the story I was looking for. An amazing story that began in 1945...on September 10th.
On this cool evening, Lloyd Olson went to kill a chicken for the evening meal. He selected a young 5 month old rooster and grabbed his ax. Taking his time, he expertly removed the chickens head. Now for those of you lucky enough to not grow up on a farm, a chicken will run around for a minute or two then fall over dead after it has bled out. This day was no different, the chicken ran about then fell over into the dirt. Lloyd walked over to collect his dinner when a miracle happened. The headless chicken stood up, flipped Lloyd off and pecked at the ground with it's imaginary head.
Lloyd was taken aback at this beak less wonder! Not understanding how this miracle happened the Olson family force fed grain and water down the birds open throat with an eye dropper. And because they needed a name for this miracle, they looked to biblical examples and found a name suited for a resurrection: Mike.
After a few days, the Olsons took Mike to the University of Utah to be examined. The scientists looked over this creature with extreme skepticism but since photoshop hadn't been invented yet they studied Mike.
Turns out that when the head was severed, a part of the bird's ear and all of it's brain stem were still attached. And a blood clot had formed to keep it from bleeding to death. This basically means that so long as Mike was fed and taken care of it would continue to live a normal life for a headless chicken.
So Lloyd and his wife did the only thing a sensible American could - they started a side show act. People lined up for miles to watch a headless bird run around.
This inspired a nation-wide tour and an annual festival. The tour came to an end in Arizona a mere year and a half later when Mike choked to death at a seedy motel where this famous cock was found with several hookers and an ounce of cocaine...no wait that was Chris Farley...Mike just choked to death.
Lloyd returned home and collected the $10k life insurance policy he had bought on Mike and many thought that would be the end of it all. But no one understood the popularity of the festival. With events like "run like a headless chicken" and "bobbing for apples while wearing a burlap sack to give you the feeling of being headless," thousands flock to Fruita, Colorado every year to this day.
After earning the Olson family a small fortune and a small amount of fame including stints on Ripley's Believe It Or Not and in the Guinness Book of World Records, Mike showed us that sometimes running around like a chicken with your head cut off can buy you a sports car.

2 comments:

  1. LOL, chickens or "cocks" rather, with no heads gross me out...

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  2. You shouldn't be so "hard" on the uncircumsized

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