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Monday, September 19, 2011

The Weekend Of Wonders

After a really crappy week, my weekend ended with a spasming possum, corn pretending to be jewelry, angry spirits and the letter T.
After any relationship ends, I do what every red blooded American male does - I had an exorcism.
I figure banishing the witch from my memory via magic water and Jesus is the fastest way to be healed.
After that was over I traipsed through grave yards and sang show tunes with dead people while waving lighters above our heads. While the grave yard inhabitants didn't mind, a few of the neighbors complained and I was cited with a noise violation. One officer said I sounded like a pack of saber tooth crotch crickets. With my idea of Redneck Graveyard Karaoke going up in smoke, I grabbed my hot friend and headed to the liquor store.
My hot friend and I raced through the night to find enough alcohol to meet both our needs. I wanted a peaceful buzz and she wanted to take serious advantage of me and both needs were met with some Mike's Hard Cranberry Lemonade. This hot pink malt liquor beverage really packs a punch with its 2 percent alcohol content...after only 2, I was wasted.
Riding back from the liquor store, we decided to take the scenic route. Ignoring the dangers of motorcycles, alcohol and dirt roads, we braved the darkness at lightening speeds of about 27 mph. Which made stopping for what happened next almost catastrophic.
See, after we turned a sharp corner we found ourselves staring face to face with a opossum the size of a small dog. I stopped and stared it down. It reared it's head and I hit the throttle and we played a game of chicken that has never been seen before. The possum tucked its head and bared it's teeth as it raced headlong at my motorcycle...it was a marsupial versus machine and only one winner could be named. Then at the last second as I was preparing to swerve and lose our game of wills, the possum fell onto it's back as if it were having convulsions. Then it hopped up and ran off into the darkness, looking back only once, as if to say "you won this one but Sonic has cherry limeades three for one at happy hour." My hot friend and I shared a nervous laugh and then sped back off into the night.
After waking the next morning, I once again kidnapped my hot friend and took her with me to the city. Her, Nathan and I laughed and made fools of ourselves at Toys R Us by almost getting thrown out for riding power wheels through the store and sleeping in the race car bed. After larping with a hula hoop and a foam shield, we decided that perhaps we should leave and find a new place to play.
Which brought us to the best place to play in the world...Burlington Coat Factory.
At Burlington, I fantasized about strippers while my hot friend tried on 6 inch heels and then we wandered into the cheap jewelry section where we found Jewelry made from some guy's wife's hair. And some made from corn. After rolling around a bit on the floor, we hopped in the car again and made our way back home. Along the way we pretended we were pirates and tried to steal a fat lady's booty and then we headed to the old mill.
Nothing happened at the mill...apparently someone owns it now so we couldn't go there. We saw it with binoculars from the top of a pine tree.
Then we laughed and joked and sadly called it a day.
Hopefully my hot friend will hang out with me again, because after the year I have had I need as much carefree fun introduced into my life as possible. So here's to my friend whose name is brought to you by the letter T. She spent the weekend Taking The Trash and making it a Treasure.

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