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Saturday, September 10, 2011

With So Many Foreign Concepts I Feel Like An Alien In This Land

With the immigration debates ready to start back up again, I feel the need to discuss my own views on the aliens. I must admit that I have been pretty sheltered from this circumstance as I don't frequent areas known for them.
But recently I was given something to phone home about...
While shopping for ammunition at my least favorite store on Earth for one of the many guns I own,  I observed a man trying to purchase rifles.
Dressed in flannel, "Billy Bob" stood calmly as the cashier ran a background check.
Normally during this phase of purchasing a gun, a person would make small talk and otherwise polite conversation. Bill was no exception.
Bill: You think its true what they say about them aliens coming here?
Clerk: *shrugs* I guess it is huh.
Bill: Then you best sell me several boxes of ammunition and ill take those other 4 rifles and some ammo fer them too.
Clerk: What? Why?
Bill: Cuz when them bastards fly over head I'm gonna make damn sure I don't get abducted.
Clerk: Dude what the hell are you talking about?
Bill: I ain't getting no damn anal probe done to me no sir...Ima gonna sit out in my fields and any damn UFO's that fly over head are getting pumped with lead.
Clerk: Dude you realize there is no way in hell I'm selling you anything now right?
Billy Bob didn't get it though...and he didn't get it when a manager walked over and politely explained it wasn't Wal-Marts policy to sell firearms to people who were obviously bat shit crazy. Billy Bob still didn't get it when the nice deputy had to drag him kicking and screaming from the store as he accused the clerk and manager of being in league with our upcoming oppressors.
Readers...what if Billy Bob was right to worry? A year ago we were worried about global warming but suddenly it is no big deal, what if the warming was caused by an advanced race of celestial beings that descended on our planet with only one purpose - anally probing Billy!
What if he had been anally probed before? Because even if he hadn't, I'm sure he was once he got to prison.
How many times will we allow poor Billy to be victimized? Isn't better that he lay out in a corn field and randomly open fire on objects flying in the sky?
What if the aliens he kills are ones that would have anally violated you?
I think we should all get our firearms and head to the fields and shoot anything that we feel doesn't belong there. Maybe pawn shops could open up next to these fields and sell gun upgrades and ammunition! And concealed carry classes can start offering alien abduction defense classes! These classes can teach you where to aim at the heartless anal probing bastards!
Although any alien race that visits and only manages to steal the lowest common denominator of humanity is a race I am not overly concerned with. If they get all of dear Billy's secrets, the only threat they could pose would be to inbreeders and moonshiners. What vast knowledge did they hope to learn from a guy who wanted to lay in a field and shoot at random objects in the sky with no other provocation other than that they were unidentified and flying over the spot he happened to be laying?
Frankly I think you would get more helpful information from a mime. Why not abduct someone useful? Like a politician or the guy that makes the donuts?
Aliens, I am putting you guys on alert! You have been invading our planet for years and harassing people that can barely spell their names, doing despicable things and then not even sticking around to talk about them. Next time you want to pick on poor ignorant people do it like every other American - on the Jerry Springer Show!


  1. I had no clue where this one was going.

    I'm glad Billy Bob was escorted out of the building. Nobody should ever shop at Walmart. Not even an insane person.

  2. LOL, thank god they didn't sell him a gun. I'm sure he has many more at home, but at least they didn't sell him another one.