Total Pageviews

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

I'm A Swinger Baby!

Folks, I enjoy playing with kids toys as much as the next guy. I also enjoy making stupid bets with people that have had way too much to drink. I have also had my share of bad bets gone horribly wrong.
But, unlike the unnamed man from Vallejo, California, I have never been hospitalized from one of those bets, nor have I had to have the fire department use the jaws of life to rescue me from one of my stunts.
A 21 year old man from California made a $100 bet with his friends that he could successfully fit into a toddler swing in a local public park.
Now honestly, I don't see what could have possibly gone wrong at this point, I mean if a 3 year old can do something then surely so can a full grown man!
The 21 year old preceeded to lube himself up. Then his friends told him that he couldn't win anything but money on this deal.
So, he preceeded to lube himself up again only this time using Tide laundry detergent. After he was thoroughly soaked and I can only assume completely naked he started stuffing himself into the child seat. The process was obviously agonizing, but the unidentified idiot was able to get into the swing. A swing which quickly became apparent, he could not escape from. Now painfully trapped, the young man began to panic and his friends did the only thing they could do in that situation - they laughed at him and went home.
A word to the wise, if you make a bet with a group of people that could possibly cause you to be hurt or to die, maybe you should make sure at least one person in that group wouldn't leave you to your probably deserved fate.
Instead, he was left to swing....for 9 hours. Alone and naked. Covered in soap. In a children's park.
Finally a groundskeeper heard his cries for help at 6 A.M. and called authorities.
I think it would have been more poetic to upload a video to YouTube 1st.
Fire fighter's had to cut the chains and then had to cut him out of the chair.
How's that for embarrassing! Most mother's tell their kids make sure you have clean underwear on, what do you tell a kid that only wears Clean Breeze scented laundry soap?
Maybe he was trying to be like his hero, Portillo Pahtay who successfully forced his body through a child's toilet.
This modern day Houdini was treated for bruising, but his pride was probably the only thing that was hurt.
Guys here are some other bets to avoid.

1. Making a paste using catnip and covering your genitals with them before calling for the local stray cats - trust me this isn't the kind of kitty you want handling your nuts.
2. Hitch hiking while only wearing a speedo! No one wants to see that for any reason and the money you make will never equal the number of views that video will get online.
3. Dressing up in a woman's Catwoman suit and heading to your local Redbox to get the newest Batman animated feature.
4. Offering children candy from a skeezy van.
5. Telling a guy three times your size that you want to take his hot girlfriend for a test drive. You know - around the curves to see how she handles on the stick! I can speak from experience this is never a good idea.
6. French kissing an alligator will most likely end badly for you, so you should avoid that. However, I would love to see you try so ignore this one and make sure you film it.
7. Slapping a female officer on the ass and saying "Giggity" will never get you anything but tazed. This goes for slapping any girl on the ass in settings where she isn't your significant other or a hired prostitute. Slapping a stripper on the ass will not only get you tazed, but also a very large man will pummel you into a bloody pulp.
Now that our unnamed hero has won his bet, I wonder if he will even collect his $100 now that he passed GO?

3 comments:

  1. that's when you ask ... was he born stupid or did he have to study?

    ReplyDelete
  2. He probably preceded this nonsense by telling his buddies to hold his beer.

    And #7 . . . ha! Good one. Or maybe I should pretend I don't get it . . . oops . . . One of these days I'll learn to hide the geek better but she does seem to get out a lot lately.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Yeah, you have to watch it Satia or I may start to think you are some kind of geek that likes Star Wars or something ;)

    ReplyDelete