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Saturday, October 29, 2011

Ok At This Point You Are Scaring Me

So, it's Halloween weekend and I was supposed to be in Savannah, but instead I am still in bed and staring at my ceiling. Which means now I need to find new plans to celebrate one of my favorite holidays.
Which brings me to my famous lists.
Things you probably shouldn't do for Halloween.

1. Let's Talk Celebrity Costumes. People don't dress up as a celebrity. If you honestly looked like the celebrity you wouldn't have to dress up anyway, you could just go out in regular clothes and people would be like, "Wow you are really fat and your skin is so orange - that is a great Snooki costume!" So leave the looking like celebrities to... I don't know...the celebrities maybe? The only exception to this rule is Lady Gaga, only because she is such a freak that if you didn't wear anything she did, we would all run out of clothes.
2. Allow the Creepy Possible Sex Offender Guy to Take Your Kids Trick or Treating. I know that you want to go to Luane's no kids allowed costumed block party, but this is a bad idea. This is because that creepy guy who dressed up like Mr Rogers or Pee Wee Herman probably is a registered sex offender and all he will spend the evening doing is "tricking" your kids to playing with his "treat."
3. Worry About Whether You Will Go to Hell or Not for Celebrating This Dark Holiday. Chances are you are anyway so at least have one night of fun before you get there.
4. Guys Avoid Cross-dressing. I don't care how well she thinks you can pass for a woman, this should be avoided unless you are looking to date Eddie Murphy. Besides, even if your girlfriend encouraged this costume choice, after you go through with it she will always be jealous of how you can pull that outfit off and she can't.
5. Attempting to Scare Trick or Treaters by Jumping Out of Dark Alleyways or Bushes. This is a good way to get maced/tazed/shot by the many rednecks that will be taking their kids through your neighborhoods. These people live the deliverance lifestyle so don't make them angry! Best case scenario you only get punched in the face by a guy as he is pissing his pants. This also applies to anyone thinking of egging a house or car, these people will kill you!
6. Avoid Costumed Karaoke. You're dressed as Dracula. Ed is the wolf man. And some hot chick is eyeing you like she wants to be your baby's "mummy?" So this inspires you to sing the monster mash? The only thing she will be eyeing then is your complete public humiliation.
7. Just Because She's Dressed Like a Slut, Doesn't Make Her One. Guys, I know that she is wearing a thong and two pasties, some eyeliner, and a lot of face paint - and is calling that a costume - but that doesn't mean she is a whore. And even if she is a slut, if you came dressed like Beavis and Butthead, she isn't going home with you! But think about it like this for just a moment, almost every costume for women is extremely skimpy and by buying and wearing one of these shows that she isn't very creative. I would rather hit on the girl with the extremely intricate World of Warcraft costume or dressed like an obscure character from the Harry Potter Universe, because she will probably be a wildcat later.
8. Bobbing For Apples After a Fifth of Jack. Yeah let's drink and shove our heads into a tank of water while trying to grab an apple with our teeth! That sounds like a really safe activity that I am sure won't result in any accidental drownings! And accidental covers those drownings that occur because your buddies hold you under until you actually get an apple!
9. Avoid Ouija Boards. I am all for summoning spirits and other odd denizens of the night, but when you do it on Halloween you just look like a douche. Save the campy "scares" and cheesy mood settings for Arbor Day, because no one is going to think it's cool to sit around on Halloween moving a piece of plastic on an upgraded monopoly board.
10. Avoid Fireworks. Drinking and costumes + explosives can be a lot of fun. For the guy that is sober laughing at you as you roll on the floor trying to put out the flames. Bet the Wicked Witch of the West never realized how easy she could have taken out Dorothy's little gang of easily flammable friends! She could have handed them "magic wands" and watched as they blew themselves all back to Kansas. Avoid the explosives for one night.
11. Lastly. Don't Assume Every Costumed Creature Is Actually a Person in a Costume. See that guy in the authentic bear costume! Why not run over and clap him on the shoulder and tell him how great his costume is? Because most likely it is a real bear that is looking for meat to serve at his picnic and what better way to infiltrate the world of man than on a night that let's critters look like the boy next door.

So there is my Halloween tips for survival. Have a safe holiday and if anything horrible happens to you, please let me know so I can make fun of you later.


  1. Hilarious :). #7 is definitely your most practical piece of advice. You may just save the population.

  2. Somehow I knew #7 would be your favorite piece of advice given.

  3. Sadly, I will not be dressing up this year and we won't be giving out candy. The sacrifices we make when one of us is unemployed.