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Thursday, October 13, 2011

Well, I Guess This Means You're Fired

For the second time in a week, Florida is making the headlines and is appearing right here in my little corner of the universe. State Representative Brad Drake has filed a bill this week that hopes to eliminate "death by lethal injection." The bill proposes that death row inmates have only two choices for their execution: electrocution or FIRING SQUAD!
Yes, you "heard" me correctly. Brad wants to shoot people.
Brad feels that being put to death by lethal injection is to humane for human beings, because if we can do it to Bingo at the animal shelter it must not be that bad. Instead, he wants criminals to suffer as their victims did. And I couldn't agree with him more.
Brad said he got the idea while having breakfast "with a constituent at a Waffle House." I know some of my best ideas started at the Waffle House - of course mine usually involved strippers since I never went to one before 1 AM. Allegedly after discussing the right to legally shoot convicted felons, Brad and the constituent watched NASCAR.
The problem is that death by firing squad may fall into that "cruel and unusual punishment" category that caused most states to stop using the method. Back in the 1970's, the Supreme Court halted all executions until they could determine if it violated the Constitution's provision of providing no cruel and unusual punishments. They lifted the ban in 1976 and since then only three people have been executed by firing squad. And all of those happened in Utah. And the last person executed in this manner was put down last year! Every other state began looking for new ways to "humanely" kill murderers and psychopaths that usually killed in very inhumane ways.
Florida began using the electric chair back in 1924. Old Sparky was put into commission to replace public hangings.
But I think that anyone found guilty of a heinous crime should lose the rights of protection afforded by the Constitution. I think we should have death by tractor pull! Or in an homage to old Western movies - death by being tied to a railway and run over by a train!
I also think we should make these executions a public spectacle! Let's sell tickets and cool refreshments. We can put it on pay per view and stream it live on the web! This may solve our nations budget crisis!
And forget letting the criminal have a cigarette or wear a blindfold. I think he or she should be set loose on a deserted island and hunted like a gazelle.
Or keeping with the gazelle them, using prisoners to keep the rising food costs at zoo's down is another alternative. Lion's think we taste like chicken!
Or we could be the better person and kill them the right way - in Afghanistan or Iraq while wearing a uniform.
So Florida, until the courts and the state assembly decide to not let you have a chance to talk at the dinner table, keep making the headlines with your new age thinking!


  1. Mr. Drake sounds like one of my neighbors :P. Florida has a history of electing stupid, self-centered, white-color criminals to office, so... What can I say?

  2. You know, I could see him as one of your neighbors.

  3. He probably is, come to think of it....

  4. Maybe you could invite him over to dinner along with borrower girl and bleeding guy?