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Thursday, November 24, 2011

Best Redneck Thanksgiving Ever

Nothing says Thanksgiving like dinner with loved ones! Picture this: the table is set, the best china is laid out, Grandma has her new teeth in, your uncle/cousin is not wearing flannel, and the Thanksgiving turkey raccoon is on the table with a cherry in it's mouth and stuffing shoved up it's ass!
And then Uncle Ricky goes around giving hugs to all the children just so he can cop a feel on all the prepubescents that are gathered together! And then Grandpappy starts passing around the moonshine and the guns to anyone old enough to walk.
After firing enough ammunition to sink a small oil tanker, everyone gathers around the table to eat. These dinners always go the same way: first one of your aunts gets drunk way too early and starts dancing on the table naked. This makes Uncle Ricky start ignoring the kids to spend time with his sister! Which is why I believe the holidays are great for bringing families closer to each other!
Then one of your estranged female family members tells your mother that she was a whore for stealing her boyfriend back in 8th grade. This soon escalates to the point where mom and weird cousin girl are yelling at each other and Uncle Ricky suggests taking the kids back to his hotel room for a nap! Somebody then throws a spoonful of mashed potatoes at Marvin, your sisters really scary ex-heroin addict boyfriend, who tries to stab the raccoon with a butter knife! Grandpappy falls over drunk face first into the sweet potato casserole while drunken naked aunt starts singing Brittany Spears "Oops I did it Again."
One of the nephews pours moonshine in the dogs water bowl, who, after drinking it, runs around in a circle three times before falling over into a coma.
Inevitably, someone would set the trash on fire by dropping a lit Pal Mal into garbage can. To the drunken relatives, the best way to deal with this is to toss the burning mess into the back yard.
About the time the yard is completely engulfed in flames, mom and random relative are brawling in the front yard. The dog is vomitting and Grandpappy may be dead. Ricky has taught the kids the meaning of lecherous. Aunt Trina is asleep on the pool table. The cops have been called and the house is on fire.
After the tazing is done, everyone promises to get together again at Cindy's house for Christmas.

1 comment:

  1. I told you if you blogged about it, you would not be invited next year. Did you think I wouldn't read this? Hmph!