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Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Smells Like True Love

For years men have been called pigs, and now...we can smell like one! Earlier this year, fragrance maker Fragginay introduced Bacon - the cologne for men. After all there is already bacon flavored dental floss, Denny's has an ice cream sundae topped with bacon and syrup, and some cultists use it as clothing, so why should it be so hard to think of it as a fragrance?
The Bacon Cologne comes in two varieties: Maple and Citrus. The Maple Bacon has slight hints of syrup to appeal to food-a-philes and fat people alike! It mingles the apple wood scented pork treat with the sweet sticky smell of money in the bank! The citrus is for the healthier minded bacon lovers and brings to mind the smells of a fruit dish breakfast with a small bacon treat as an indulgence.
This product could revolutionize the perfume industry! Which is why it should have been a perfume!
Ladies, if you were to put this on, you would never be lonely. That's because every man, dog, lion, bear, etc, would be trying to "eat you up!" Just think of all the attention you would have! Plus, it would create the false idea that maybe you could cook! He would take one whiff and think, "my God, this girl got up and made  a real breakfast before our date! I am marrying her!" That's because the fastest way to a man's heart is through his rising cholesterol!
Using pork products as bait isn't new anyways! My grandparents used to tie a pork chop around my neck just to get the dog to play with me!
Now that Fargginay - which off topic sounds a lot like Chardonnay when said aloud - has created this new cologne, they should work to release the more feminine version like: Bacon with Eggs for Women!
Then they should move to make the following new scents:
1. Does the Dishes - for Men. This heady aroma will smell faintly of Dawn dish detergent. Guys, if you put this on, she will know you aren't afraid to get dirty - just so you can get cleaned up!
2. Buffalo Wild Girl Sauce. This fragrance will make every man know that you won't bitch about his need for Football. And he may also think you work at Hooters.
3. Newly Born Love - for Men. Guys this romantic fragrance smells lightly of Johnson and Johnson Baby Shampoo and baby powders. She will know instantly that you are father material after one whiff and will rush to have your babies!
4. Grenadier - for Ladies. Girls. I will admit there isn't a smell I find sexier than the smell of gun oil and powder. Mix this tantalizing concoction up and wear liberally and I will be your own personal lap dog.
5. Born to Run Free - for both. This could be a unisex cologne that would appeal to cowboys and cowgirls everywhere. Smelling like all things horse related this heady and musky scent would remind her that you need to be ridden and remind him that you won't fence him in. That is a win win!
Lushful Indulgence - for both. Another unisex cologne that appeals to the alcoholic in us all. The male version will come in three varieties: the first having hints of Merlot, and wild juniper berries, the second will be a faintly noticeable Reisling and the third heady musky Chardonnay with slight hints of oak. These wine inspired fragrances will make her want to drink you up! The one for you ladies will only come in one scent: Bourbon. After a single whiff he will think you are a sure thing and be ready to take you (as well as take advantage of you) out on the town.
So Fargginay, get on it! Don't let someone else steal your cash "cow."

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